Paul Merson opens up on his mental health struggles in powerful interview: 'My life was inner turmoil' | OneFootball

Former Arsenal star speaks candidly about his battles with addiction, anxiety and panic attacks

Paul Merson has opened up on his mental health struggles in a powerful new interview in which he gives harrowing details about the “inner turmoil” that has scarred his life.

The former Arsenal star has spoken candidly to Heroes Have Heroes about his battles with addition, anxiety and panic attacks.

Merson won two league titles and three cups with Arsenal, won 21 caps for England and played in the 1998 World Cup, but has been open about the struggles in his life.

“I had real bad panic attacks,” said the 57-year-old. “Anxiety is a massive part of this life we live in today. And I don't think people understand enough how many problems it causes and what it stops people doing. It stops people doing stuff, it stops them in their tracks.

Merson was speaking as part of a series of interviews with high-profile people from entertainment, sports and business in support of the Jason Robinson Foundation

Heroes Have Heroes

“The message I would give to people with anxiety is you're not alone. There is help out there and seek help, please. And your life will become so, so, so much better.

“Everybody gets bad days. You know, I get bad days there. I'm not going to lie of course I do. But they get well outweighed by the good days.

“On those [bad] days you just got hold on, hold on. And because I always got nervous, I was a very nervous kid, I always got palpitations.

“[I had] a brown paper bag on the way to games at Arsenal.

“My life was such inner turmoil. I never really got overexcited [during my playing career]. I couldn't be in my head, it was like a washing machine. I wasn't well. I wasn't well. And I never got to appreciate things.

“When I look back on my career now, that's the pinnacle to play in the World Cup. I don't mean it's flashy, please don't think I am, but everybody wanted to be Paul Merson and Paul Merson didn't want to be. That was the worst feeling in the world, you know.

“I hated being me. Every person I ever met, I always wanted to be that person. I'd come away and go... I wish I was like him, I wish I was like him.

“I hated being in my own skin. I used to scratch myself to death, like I used to hate it. Put this in perspective, I'm playing for Arsenal, they were the one of the biggest clubs in England, we were winning stuff and I was playing for England.

“I had everything at me feet. As I said, a lot of people wanted to be Paul Merson. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself. I was lucky, some people just don't get away with it.”

Merson has struggled with alcoholism and cocaine and gambling addictions, but he is now six years sober.

“I know I'm a good person now,” he says. “But there's people out there now that are living with this, with addiction, don't know they're addicted and they've gone through so much pain.

“I've been in treatment twice, you know. I never got it because I didn't go in for me. And I always say, hate the addiction, don't hate the person. It could be anybody. It could be a dustman, postman, a builder, a professional footballer. It takes anybody.”

Merson thanked his wife for his continued loyalty and also sent an emotional message to his dad, who he calls his “greatest hero”.

Reading a letter to his dad, Merson said: “I've written this to you… I just want to say thank you, dad.

“For taking me to play football. I know it was hard because we didn't have a lot. You always got around work with it. And for my mum as well for being there. I have to say thank you to my dad.

“I know we’re not like a talking family, in that way. Like now me and my wife and kids sit round the table and the kids will say, ‘how do you feel?’

“But, in the in the 70s that wasn't the case. So it's nice to be able to look down the camera and say, thank you, dad. You're a hero.”

Paul Merson was talking to Heroes Have Heroes, a series of intimate interviews with high profile leaders from the world of entertainment, sports and business, in support of the Jason Robinson Foundation.