TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 36

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Attacking Football

·7 May 2024

TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 36

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. But enough about watching Manchester United, try doing that whilst owning their defenders in FPL as well. Like turning up to a live torture event and saying PICK ME!

Fuck this shit, let’s dive in to the Gameweek 36 wreckage.

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ONANA – 5.0 – MANCHESTER UTD

Who can blame Onana for just giving up last night. Visibly fed up at being head hunted to keep net in the worst defensive unit since my child built a fort out of cotton wool and accidently set fire to it with a toasted marshmallow. Couldn’t even be arsed to attempt saves by the end.

OGBONNA – 4.2 – WEST HAM UTD

West Ham have now conceded 12 goals in their last 3 matches. A run of colossal horseshit that has coincided with Angelo Ogbonna’s return to the team. Less of a defender and more a shit sandcastle, just stood there on the beach, waiting for the tide to put it out of its misery.

SEMEDO – 4.5 – WOLVES

I’m not sure I understand what Nelson Semedo is. He can’t tackle well enough to be a full back, he can’t cross well enough to be an attacking wing back. He has zero goals and just 4 assists in 3 full seasons. He has been booked 22 times in 18 months.

He’s 30. He probably isn’t getting any fucking better.

ASSIGNON – 4.0 – BURNLEY

Newcastle don’t travel well and Burnley have everything to play for was the narrative before the match. A narrative which the Clarets did all they possibly could to disprove in a hapless display of ineptitude. Can they still stay up? Assignon.

A – say – no.

Ok that worked better in my head.

ROYAL – 4.3 – TOTTENHAM

A genuine contender for the worst defender ever to play for a big six club, Spurs concede a goal every half an hour Emerson Royal is on the pitch. He makes Marcos Alonso look like Paolo Maldini.

Does he have even the slightest idea what his fucking day job is? Or does he just not give a toss?

LUIZ – 5.4 – ASTON VILLA

Fresh off the back of a dreadful showing in Europe, a knackered Douglas Luiz allowed Brighton’s midfield to run through him like a knife to hot butter. His performance was akin to a shit sandwich, where the bread, the filling and the actual fucking plate… are all shit.

JWP – 5.7 – WEST HAM UTD

James Ward-Prowse looked like one of the signings of the season at one point. Plundering 12 returns in his first 20 matches, he’s now been part of a side that have 1 win in 9. Out of Europe, marooned in mid table and with a manager leaving. The entire club seems to be in purgatory.

CASIMIRO – 5.3 – MANCHESTER UTD

Former professional footballer turned hustler, Casimiro collected £350,000 last night for diving into challenges like a greased up piglet. At fault for literally everything, the man doesn’t even have his name spelt correctly on his shirt. That should have been a fucking sign.

KULUSEVSKI – 6.7 – TOTTENHAM

Another day, another utterly terrible performance from Spurs flat pack forward. Kulusevski seems to press, but then as soon as he gets the ball back, is too knackered to do anything with it. He has one goal and one assist in 18 hours of football for a team who attack every 3 seconds.

SOLANKE – 7.1 – BOURNEMOUTH

3 games without a goal for Dominic Solanke, who’s microscopic chances of making Southgate’s England squad seem to be disappearing like a fart in the wind.

The former train turned spectral presence is now just aimlessly drifting towards a summer vacation.

TONEY – 7.8 – BRENTFORD

10 matches without a goal now for Ivan Toney, the worst run of his career. Or something. I’ve not bothered to look that up. I’ve tried to channel the amount of effort that he’s currently showing before he leaves the club to take penalties somewhere else.

SUMMARY

Bench boost next week. Cannot fucking wait to play a minus 8 to fix my piece of shit wildcard that I played… checks notes… literally last fucking week.

I still have Ederson. EDERSON. Like walking into Alton Towers to only use the toilets and questioning the price.