Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Torquemada’s Select

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The Celtic Star

·16 December 2024

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Torquemada’s Select

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v TORQUEMADA’S SELECT

“Beat them once – shame on you. Beat them twice – shame on me. Beat them three times, Merry Christmas Nae luck the Runs.”

– Festive proverb

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Kasper Schmeichel celebrates after winning the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and theRangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 8/10 – Like they cloned Big Joe and gave him AI-enhanced football boots. Was probably the only one of the six-fold defence who did not make a mistake with the ball at his feet all game and a half. The fingertip save, the penalty save from the Hobbit gene-pool oddity, the sledging of their penalty takers, the face-offs in the goalmouth – Big Kasper today became a fully-fledged ‘skelping hero. And he loved every last second of it, the gloriously madman.

Greg Taylor and Daizen Maeda celebrates Daizen scoring Celtic’s second goal during the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and Rangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Justin Setterfield/Getty Images)

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10 – Drastic measures – if the sausage rolls aren’t up to standard then let’s burn down the flaming bakery. So in a moment of pastry-addled madness Greggs lit the fuse to blow the trophy hunt sky-high. Presenting their Transylvanian henchman a free run at goal by attempting a deranged long square ball across the park was a moment of insanity on a par only with the time John Denver pointed his plane out over the Pacific ocean and said, ‘Reckon I can make it without fuel, easy…”

Then came the reprieve and atonement as he bent* in the equaliser and raised the roof as well as the bread again. But… The epitome of the general bipolar afternoon of the entire team came in Greggs’ second major aberration – executing a perfect Hawking Pirouette to mess-up completely and let them burst through 4 on 1. Thankfully, bearded Action Man bailed him out. A strange one for Greggs. But that won’t dull the shine on that winner’s medal one bit.

*well, hit it in off one…

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – ‘Warrior moose battles through injury woes’ are the Canadian Herald’s headlines, or something… At any rate, the pain barrier didn’t break for the hockey hero until deep into the match. Finally retiring from a slog through which he’d forged stoically without great reward.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 5.5/10 – “What in the goddamn hell are these mutant bons of sitches?” Austin asked in a retro 80s action-movie voice, revolted. Didn’t stop him barrelling through a couple of them in a lovely moment of first-half carnage, though. But the hook came at the interval. Not really a reflection on his competent-enough display – more tactical, as was explained later.

Celts celebrate after winning the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and theRangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GET CARTER – 7/10 – THE most magnificent of defensive plays, like a live-action Duke Nuke’em, to thwart their 2-0 ambition as the new XBox video game ‘CCV v 4XXXX!’ got the best Xmas advert it could hope for. Made some commendable and notable interventions around that too of course, but also strangely lax and less than commanding deep in his own box than we’ve been used to seeing. That dichotomy of performance was evident right through the team, all blowing hot and cold, but never in complete hot synch, unfortunately.

Callum McGregor with the trophy as Celts celebrate after winning the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and theRangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 6/10 – Swamped by slaver empire blue; as they planned. Tactically nullified due to our unusual ponder-some movement and lack of tempo. This was most notable when the skipper DID step it up and demand his team reinstated normal service – the period in which we scored twice and turned it to 2-1. A typically, thereafter he took his foot off the gas and we suffered intermittent disappointment as they got gallus. But despite his fumbling afternoon, there he was taking the skipper’s responsibility and firing in a composed shootout strike like a boss – Their boss; the end-level boss they did their best to counter and smother today. How do we solve that? They’ll try it again in a fortnight – tag-teaming the Celtic Gyre, shutting-off service to and from. That’s BR’s remit. For what it’s worth, I”d drop a midfielder in beside him, leave one ahead (Reo) instead of two; Give our quarterback a defensive guard, just like in Yankee Eggball.

SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – Dogg-ed, and dogged. See what I did there, weird word fans? Paulo spent all his time on the park involved in a scrap with four pressing Zombies, given little respite. But he hung in there, unfortunate not to have the opportunity to show his attacking prowess as the middle became a dog-fight.

HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – Mercurial, is Reo. As the collective slumped, he seemed to gain in belief and hunger for the game. Became our most dynamic midfielder, looking dangerous and wily. Would have been a perfect foil for a properly-functioning engine room but we were stifled in there by marauding Zombies.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic celebrates in the penalty shoot out during the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and Rangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Justin Setterfield/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – He must be exhausted. What with the CL and filming just wrapped on the new Tim Burton movie about a disappointed full-back’s struggle with insomnia, guest-starring Daizen – ‘The Frightmare Before Christmas.’ It’s remarkable how the human dynamo finds the energy to terrorise the Zombies, make and take his own sensational goal, then roll in the winning penalty with a beatific grin on his face like he was tripping on peyote in the Californian desert with Jim Morrison rather than executing with aplomb one of the most stressful situations a professional sportsman – or fans… – can endure. But that’s our Daizen for you. Our enigma. Our inscrutable hero. And some think he’s ‘the worst they’ve seen in a Celtic jersey’. Lol, seething Green Zombies.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – Frustrated, Kyogo decided to kick one into his own net… That sclaffed Zombie equaliser riffing in off his studs summed up the day for the wee fella who’d worked his Xmas socks off only to see the one chance that did finally present itself foiled by a great save.

Nicolas Kuhn celebrates after scoring in the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and theRangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

TAKINTE – 8.5/10 MOTM – Der Kaiser! Our most lethal weapon – outside Jamesy – these days as every involvement brings promise and uplifting expectation. That remained blunted at the last thrust most of the game as echoes of “Hit it, ffs!” faded after every jinking advance in and around their box. Finally, he pulled the trigger with his standing leg and we thought that was that – the Kuhn Final put to bed at last. Eh… Naw. Or, ‘nein.’ But what a game he had on that unpredictable surface, amid a dysfunctional hooped effort. Our resolve may be tested by big numbers when the January window opens. Somebody tranquillise. Pistol Pete.

SUBS –

OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – Enter the Barndarigg Beckenbauer. Immediate impact almost included an equaliser off his slicked ginger locks; followed-up by a scarefest as Nosferatu’s body-double pickpocketed him and gave the Zombies their big moaning moment. First contact outside box, btw, lurking goons and big fuming Baldymort.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6.5/10 – Shared Kyogo’s abandonment as we failed to set up anything for him, but was livelier than of late and put himself around. Lovely pen when the tension was ramped. Much kudos, right there.

JAMESY – 6/10 – Must say I was sweating a bit this week watching a lovely X (Twitter, pervs…) video clip of an old lady opening a parcel from Jamesy in front of her family as part of a Celtic Xmas drive. Through gritted teeth I wondered if Jamesy had sent it from his Lovehoney or Anne Summers account… But, jee-sus, thankfully it was just a signed jersey.

Phew.

So onto the Zombies for our Xmas star – they hate Jamesy skittling at them; PTSD from the invincible years. And that’s what he did – well used to the heady atmosphere and too daft to let it bother him. Teased the Zombies as he always does – in flashes. Ladies. But most importantly, occupied their left-side ET ambitions as he and Tony formed an old-guard to give them something to think about.

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – Well, I thought the kid might be a match-winner, and he was a few touches off that call. Yet he finally got the pace of the game after a few nearly moments and it appeared he’d struck gold with a terrific link and cutback for Kuhn to slide home the (not) winner. Only to be grounded mere seconds later. But in adversity is where you test true mettle. Did he have the cojones to Kool-And-The-Gang-it in front of the screaming uglies on the most important pen of the shooutout (the third)? Yep.

UNCANNY – 6/10 – Game for it. Lovely footballer, busy and seems to completely understand the unpalatable nature of the opposition. Another young ‘un who wasn’t fazed by our rickety display nor the turbulence of the derby.

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – Dear Santa, this Christmas I’d like a shot at smashing some Zombies and laughing in their faces. Granted. Able, mad for it and useful – As AJ faded, The Brickie stepped in and left his boot in; he knows what it takes to dig out such a result. Only flaw was his habitual wild delivery – still not hit last season’s heights; The stand roof doesn’t count.

Callum McGregor and Brendan Rodgers with the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and theRangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – Not an easy one. Malfunctioning system, self-harming, creatively bereft. So at HT he switches in the Ginger Baresi to give us more of a baller playing out from the back. Almost worked to perfection until the new bhoys en masse caught the ‘buck it, chuck it’ virus too and scuppered plans. So what was left? Luck ‘o the Irish. BR’s charmed against base evil and so it was today that his earned fortune carried the day.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Johnny B’s in the house, snarling like a mad dug; hating the world for his punishment of having to handle this game. But let’s not grind the guy down more than the hassle of it all did – threw out the cards at them in a manner that’ll see him blackballed at the boolin’. The real villain today was dugout-side linesman with a flag that often defied reality – and the rules – as he gritted his teeth and threw in a number of calls that called the nature of physics itself into question. The sleekit-rick; not gone unremarked. As for VAR, lol. Busy watching the Madchester derby.

Merry Christmas. Disappointed after the Premier Sports Cup Final between Celtic and theRangers at Hampden Park on December 15, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Phew, the tension. Take a moment… Hahahahahahahhaaaaaa. Schadenfreude Sunday, the festive version. From the Green Brigade kicking the Onions all over Glasgow pre-game, to Jamesy nailing Connie McLaughlin after it (Oh, yes – an entire pitch interview over ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, which was just one big Jamesy chat-up. Amazed it never ended with, ‘Fancy it?’. Although, probably did off-cam. And, eh, a reply; “Aye…”).

The winners of the ‘We Drew With Big Ange’s Spurs’ Trophy were high on renewed belief. But Celtic are a different proposition. So out we strode to a cauldron of hilariously copious pyrotechnics in the Celtic End and a Zombie Cattle Shed tifo that resembled a firework display being sick.

They know how to put you through the wringer, these Hoops. And also how to troll the Zombies with merciless cruelty. In a anguishing repetition of Mordor in April, we threw the killer uppercup at 3-2 then stuck our jaw back out just for yuks; won it, chucked it, won it, chucked it… The went to win it thrice.

3-3, and the most excited, vicious little feral creatures since the wee boomerang kid in Mad Max 2 thought they were going to finally see their gritty side beat us. Not so. The football Dark Gods are cruel, and their sense of irony sublime. ‘We have such sights to show you,’ hissed Timhead, and the Runs’ torment was exquisite (see what i did there, Hellraiser fans?).

The Zombies really did try to bring their Spurs game, and we did our damnedest to bring our decrepit pub dominoes effort, looking for a 3-3 to complete the set. Seeking to make a spectacle of it, The Hoops indulged their rabid counterparts with a shambolic, tepid first-half, eventually getting bored of being unable to play through their aggressive high press and gave them an early Xmas gift to make their ugly wee wretched faces light up with unhealthy delirium.

By the time we’d shaken ourselves down at half-time and approached the second 45 with a modicum of determination, we escaped a calamitous concession of a second then went about setting the universe to rights. All seemed well until The Return Of The Seive Xmas Special got an airing, not once, but twice. Wrecked the glorious Kuhn finale within 21 seconds of the restart which may be an all-time Seive record. How you can fail to focus and hold a late lead for such a minute timescale is mind-blowing. Just stop the cross, ffs.

On that crossing note: OUR corners fired into the front post continually are, to use a technical term, mince. Bang ’em into the middle for the big mhen…Anyway, what’s for ye won’t go past ye, as they say in bukkake training academy, and coincidentally it was our beloved Japanese enigma who stepped up samurai-cool to crown the glory and win it in the style most agonising for the goat-bothering brotherhood. So, ultimately, we get the most delectable method of victory – edging those freaks to the point their household pets were being dressed in lingerie, then crushing their black souls with a clinical exhibition of penalty-taking and world-class goalkeeping.

Just the way the devil on yer shoulder wanted it. And, statistically speaking The Zombies even got their usual quota of five penalties, yet still wanted another, lulz. Kudos to every swaggering Bould Bhoy who had the baws to face the gallery of the grotesque behind that shootout end and help in contorting their fizzogs into even more monstrous configurations.

In conclusion: we’ve gone and racked up a trophy count tallying more than both ‘Rangers’ incarnations combined. A momentous moment. So let’s not dwell on a performance that had us in knots of anxiety and troughs of despair. Whatever the circumstances, winners find a way to win. And after today’s shenanigans we know beyond doubt now, that this exhilarating collective of Bhoys are WINNERS.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties

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