Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Deja Vu

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The Celtic Star

·18 August 2024

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Deja Vu

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v DEJA VU…

“We’ll meet again…Don’t know where, don’t know when. But I know we’ll meet again…Down Parkhead Sun-dayyyyy.” – Vera Lynn. ‘Aw, No Again’.

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND – AUGUST 18: Kasper Schmeichel of Celtic is seen during the Premier Sports Cup match between Celtic and Hibernian at Celtic Park on August 18, 2024 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – The quiz question: What Celtic keeper never made a competitive save before he lost a goal? And so Kasper got his first taste of picking the ball out the home net after being left in a lonely flight across goal by a Van Basten volley of a header; if that makes sense. Things rarely do here…So, no chance there but he did clutch one straight down his throat to set the record rolling, and made a cultured incisive pass to let Reo loose later on, so no harm done.

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GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – A really accomplished outing; neat and tidy and efficient and intense. Was well on his usual game, with added zest and invention when opportune – lovely lasered pass inside their fullback a highlight of his day.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – Stoic and resourceful, though not as prominent in an attacking sense as usual. Possibly due to Kuhn’s penchant today for cutting in onto his left, leaving AJ careering down a disused alley like a big dumb moose.

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – Only one slack pass among a well-governed day of defensive security. Sacrificed his attacking ambitions to be wary of their pace on the break. Made sure his positioning was on-point for their attempts to use superior height in our box.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Wrangled by duty last week when covering for ropey Liam. Today, they matched his physicality and hoped for a break. Which was delivered by Clancy Drew in the form of a free-kick that resulted in their goal and a CCV yellow for basically what amounted to a dunt. A flaming dunt. No more. Never fazed the big mhan, however, and he was rock solid to the end.

Steady, Jamesy…

Celtic captain Callum McGregor arrives prior to the Premier Sports Cup match between Celtic and Hibernian at Celtic Park on August 18, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction, Calmac was the go-to solution provider. Not afraid to help with the clean-up as he quietly ran the show in the middle with gilded boots. Quality football shone through. Quality skippering won the day.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – Looked classy first 45, pinging in a 9-iron of a pass to thrill the stadium that deserved a goal, generally getting on the ball more and offering a threat in and around their box. Then Hibs closed the gaps between their lines a bit and Reo fell out of it, stifled but unbowed.

Matt O’Riley of Celtic arrives prior to the Premier Sports Cup match between Celtic and Hibernian at Celtic Park on August 18, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Nah-tlanta. As the Italian wiseguys negotiate like the Zombies trying to get a face-painter for Ross McCausland (not his birthday or anything; match sponsors just want the wee oddity’s face covered up), Matty plays on regardless, with consumate professionalism. Quieter today, involved yet not critical to the outcome. He might’ve been happy with what Atlantis offered – fish, pizza, legendary undersea mystery etc. – but he’ll know life at Paradise ain’t too bad either. CL participation, the Danish national keeper and captain as team-mate, assessing his every move, hero-worship, and, of course, there’s the lay-dees. Well, any of Jamesy’s cast-offs at least…

Not a bad place to stay until the new year, kiddo…

Daizen Maeda of Celtic reacts after he scores his team’s second goal during the Premier Sports Cup match between Celtic and Hibernian at Celtic Park on August 18, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Who’s the new bhoy out on the left? Why, it’s Jamesy rebooted, fresh, forceful and flashing down the wing. So cover yer eyes in the North Stand. Some fine veteran wingplay today, including a bizarre role-reversal for Jamesy as, for once, HE found himself on the end of a double-team roasting that should have resulted in a penalty after a scintillating thrust into the box. Oo-er missus…

Daizen Maeda of Celtic reacts after he scores his team’s opening goal during the Premier Sports Cup match between Celtic and Hibernian at Celtic Park on August 18, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 MOTM – He’s done it. Daizen’s gone full Daizeminem. With the Hibee centre-backs standing in for Dr.Dre, Daizen evaded them like Houdini and let us know what his name is (what, who, chka-chka!) Slim Shady, or Marshall Mathers, or Celtic Centre forward…A double hit, reminding us you can’t do it Without Me, if you Forgot About D…

Played right down the middle, he took up the mic like a champ and mic-dropped it on them twice in the first half hour. Could, should, have had a trio of hits today but along with his double-pressing shutdown shuttling there was enough to have the crowd Sing for The Moment as the Real Slim Shady did Stan up like a Superman and Lost Himself in the moment, Cleanin’ Out Hibs Closet like a true Godzilla.

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – A treat to watch. Fit, strong, with terrific feet; in particular his favoured left, envy of Harry Potter, which he weilded like a scalpel to slice Hibs only remaining good vein open and bleed them out. Re-watching that clipped ball to Dazien for the second will have you sucking in air like Hannibal Lecter reminiscing about liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. We have a player on our hands; a real baller. Back to full fitness and potency, showing the talent we paid for. Only one question remains – is he consistent over a season? Can’t wait to find out.

SUBS –

DUNCAN IDAHO – N/A – He’s back! And he’s fit! No, no, he’s not…He’s Norwich-fit. Still lacking a half-yard (That’s like metres, kids, but cooler) of pace and match sharpness. Get to Lennoxtown!

SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – Now, he’s also back, but he’s sharp – picked his way about the midfield with sprightly intent as if he’d never been away. Watchign his quick feet and football mind at play is a buzz, the reason we won the cup. I like his ‘one-step-ahead’ instinctive thought process.

YING – N/A – What’s ‘Heid up!’ in Korean? Might be a prospect if he’d quit shoe-gazing like an 80s indie band after he coasts round defenders, and learns to pick a final ball.

BRIAN DE – N/A – Smiled around and roamed around. Should have at least hit target with our last clear chance of the game.

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – As you were. Except you, ‘wee shudders’ Kyogo. So, with the dodgy shoulder issue, there’s no panic, and at his leisure BR utilises his interchangeable Japanese components. And before you can say ‘Hitachi modular home entertainment system’, the line is being led by another dynamic and electric Far Eastern innovation.

That tweak aside, it was continuation of the Rodgers’ assimilation, as cautionary possession strategy on fast forward meets inventive pace injection, and we hope the blend is more balanced than last season; Which rarely achieved 40-year-old malt status, and felt more like Coatbrig (sic) moonshine swigged from rinsed second-hand Buckie bottles. So far, so good. Keep that cask consistently mild and in high humidity. Hopefull maturing nice and quickly into a Celtic classic.

MIBBERY – 4/10 – Clancy Drew and Damien Dallas rocked up to decide a mild bump was a yellow, and toes (their number 5!) no longer count as offside. No penalties either, long as one of the dual assaulters gets a knock on the ball. Still, no derailment, as despite their brief leveraging attempts the Hoops stayed on track.

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Has it been that long? You again. So Trainspotting 2 got underway mostly like the first – a good savaging on the cards as the Celts raced into a 2-going-on-6 lead. A rather angst-ridden 20 minutes tormented after their shut-yer-eyes-and-dive-at-the-ball park kick-about worldy heider nut-tapped us. But they love a bit of Fringe comedy at this time of year, so their defence enacted a stage farce featuring an invisible German poltergeist and we got the breathing space to the next round. A deserved win, peppered with sumptuous passages of play as the new Hoops Class of ’24 finds their rhythm. If only it was something to celebrate.

But, as we all know, the cup was won yesterday. The galling celebrations of the 1/16th Trophy Champions in front of their Onion Bear, Wummin’-beating, drum-snatching wee edgelords was sickening to watch and must spur us on to greater heights. With the grace of Ghod, one day soon we too may be able to stand arm-in-arm in a sodden rented dungheap of a near-deserted stadium watching a rabble of identikit neds chumming each other in unison to the grunting repetition of an indecipherable mating-chant. But until then, we’ll just have to know our place and settle for it;

At the top.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Photos by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images.