I come to bury Aston Villa, not to praise them | OneFootball

Friends, Geordies, fellow Mags, I come to bury Aston Villa, not to praise them.

That Shakespeare bloke certainly had a turn of phrase, eh?

And here’s another one: “A long, long time ago, I can still remember how the pundits used to make me smile…”

Credit Don McLean (the American singer-songwriter, not the Crackerjack host) for that line.

Yes, August 2023, specifically the Glorious Twelfth, often feels a long, long time ago, as this remarkable season in the annals of Newcastle United FC draws towards its close.

For those with short memories, home to Aston Villa was our first match of the Premier League campaign, a welcome release from three months of being told by the “experts” we had massively overachieved in 2022-23 and would soon be left behind by the usual suspects.

Everyone’s dark horse in the race to overhaul us seemed to be Aston Villa, even though they were facing the extra burden of European competition, just like United, albeit in a somewhat inferior tournament.

And “somewhat inferior” would be a reasonable description of the visitors compared with the hosts, who left St James’ Park on the wrong end of a 5-1 scoreline.

My favourite piece of action from that game was not the dynamic debut goal by Tonali on six minutes, or the two supercool finishes by Isak, or Wilson’s assured strike or even the perfect cameo appearance by Barnes, who registered an assist and a goal in his first competitive appearance for the Mags.

No, what pleased me most was an incident about 30 minutes in, when Mings decided to engage in a trial of strength with our slimline Swedish striker. Young Isak must be made of Scandinavian steel, because the heavyweight England centre-half bounced off our man like a drunk unwittingly crashing into a double-glazed door.

Sadly for Mings, he tore his ACL in going to ground and has not kicked a ball or an opponent in anger for nine months. His enforced removal was cited as a reason for Villa’s collapse that day. After the season his teammates have enjoyed, I do wonder if his absence has been much of a handicap.

Before anyone suggests the loss of an international defender must by definition have hindered Villa, reflect on some of the other Southgate selections since Mr Waistcoat succeeded Big Fat Sham in November 2016. My doubts regarding Mings (who I hope makes a full recovery) surfaced during a previous NUFC v Aston Villa encounter, when Joelinton absolutely dominated him in the air and on the ground. Don’t ask me the result, I can’t remember, but I do know this was when old Cabbage Head was in charge and Big Joe looked like a fish out of water most weeks.

There’s no denying Aston Villa have had a good season, guided by a manager who showed mid-season loyalty to Villarreal by sticking with them in November 2021 when United came courting. A year later, he moved to Villa, who paid his Spanish employers a reported £5.2m in compo.

Incidentally, has anyone else noticed Unai Emery’s resemblance to Rigsby, the miserly landlord portrayed by Leonard Rossiter in that 1970s sitcom Rising Damp?

An appreciation of Emery by the owners of both clubs is not the only similarity between Villa and United. Last season we finished fourth, having recruited Eddie Howe 18 months earlier. This season that Champions League berth will almost certainly be secured by Villa, having recruited Emery in October 2022.

We are told the table never lies, which means Aston Villa are the better team. They stand on 67 points after 36 games; United on 56 after 35.

However, you might say, far fewer of their players have been unavailable. They are not exactly injury-free, however, which is hardly surprising after 53 games in all competitions so far. Buendia, an ever-present midfielder in the Premier League in 2022-23, has not appeared at all after rupturing his ACL in pre-season training.

Mings and Buendia, two big misses, but four key players have each started 33 times in the Premier League: Martinez (now injured), Douglas Luiz, Konsa and McGinn, while Watkins has started 35.

Contrast that with United’s five busiest: Schar (now injured) 34, Guimaraes 34, Gordon 32, Burn 29 and Longstaff 27. Then look at the Premier League starts for other key players: Trippier 25, Isak 24, Botman 15, Joelinton and Pope 14, Willock five. Note, too, that neither Longstaff nor Botman has seemed 100% in some matches they have started and finished. There is also the Tonali factor: five starts and three appearances as a sub.

The romp at Burnley was our 51st competitive match of the season. We will play 54 in all. Villa will play 56. Or 57 if, on Thursday, they reach the Uefa Conference League final.

Would we have finished above them this season if able to pick our strongest squad more often? Perhaps.

One thing I do know is their supremacy has nothing to do with Villa’s fabled 12th man, the Holte End. That assertion is based on a visit to Villa Park in 2002, when home fans were generally a lot more fervent than they are today.

My daughter Jo and I decided it made sense to drive from north Kent to the West Midlands and back two weeks before Christmas. Can’t remember why.

Having paid a local yokel loitering near the ground a fiver to “mind your car for you, mate?”, we bought tickets at the gate and stood amid the Villa supporters. What a miserable lot. OK, the match was no seven-goal thriller but all we could hear was whining and whingeing in that dreadful “Boring Barry from Birmingham” accent featured in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. The score was still 0-0 after 80 minutes when the moaning eased off, though only because the home fans were desperate to get home for their tea. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Our joy was unconfined a minute later, Shearer heading / shouldering the ball into the net 120 yards in front of us for the only goal of the game. Cue a mass exodus from the Holte.

Those grumpy fans were rewarded a few months later when Graham Taylor was sacked. For once, the pundits were justified in spouting that pathetic cliche “be careful what you wish for.” His replacement was David O’Leary.

Question: what was his nickname among those unfortunate enough to share the Arsenal dressing room with him? Answer: Jack; as in “I’m all right, Jack.” Not exactly a ringing endorsement of a team player.

Anyway, back to this season and Villa’s surge up the table. It came to a juddering halt on January 30, when Eddie’s men rode into town and monstered their hosts to an even greater extent than in the first match of the season.

The score was “only” 3-1 to the Mags but it flattered Villa more than lipstick on a pig. They never turned up, meekly surrendering an unbeaten home run in the Premier League that had stood since February 2023. Two matches, six points for United. We haven’t managed many doubles since last August. If only we could play Aston Villa every week…

Good luck to them on Thursday night in Greece. They deserve fourth place and a Champions League campaign if that’s where they finish this month.

For the sake of their fair-weather fans, I hope they avoid the Group of Death scenario we were handed.