Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Do-Wa-Diddy-Dundee | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v DOWADIDDYDIDDYDUMDIDDYDUNDEE…

Jota acknowledges the fans as he arrives at the stadium prior to the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Jota acknowledges the fans as he arrives at the stadium prior to the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – “Gimme a touch, gimme a touch!” Like Jamesy in a synchronised swimmers’ changing room, Kasper just wanted attention. And when he eventually got one, it was comical hyperactive kid distribution – firing off half-volleys, zippy throws; alarming outfielders into action like a big canary-yellow Danish enema. Spent the second 45 playing charades with the North Curve. Expect he might be busier next midweek.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – Some tidy combinations as Greggs got the pastry mix balanced perfectly; more so than any of his starts for a while. Playing like this, we get CL-level Greggs linking seamlessly with his midfield and wing ; almost an added dimension to utilise.

Alistair Johnston controls the ball during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Terrific all first half, playing some quick, searching balls to get them turned. Lots of inversion as he left the wide channel free for our Asian speedboat to churn up and down in. Eased up second-half as we eased up through the gears and goals and didn’t require too much support.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – At the centre of plenty early contention – survived a tag-team assault as they tried to strip and molest him whilst thinking everyone was distracted by the corner being in the air. Thankfully, VAR picked up the incident via their live Pornhub feed and justice was done; or will be after the trial…Another of Crusty’s recent no-nonsense approaches pays off. He’s getting the hang of this.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Fairly comfortable, spending his evening thudding into their romping ginger male model*. Quelled any threat without breaking too much of a sweat, ensuring this one didn’t disintegrate into anything like that Dens Park scrap. Saved himself for the arduous tasks ahead.

*As in, modelled by the Jim Henson workshop.

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Callum McGregor is presented with a framed shirt to commemorate his 500 appearances by Brendan Rodgers, prior to the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 7/10 – Rest this mhan! Well, we did, eventually. But only after being treated to some of the Calmac impetus injection – terrific bursts forward causing panic and confusion. Had his control of midfield in place early and dictated the show with his flanking generals creating mayhem….

Arne Engels scores the first goal from a penalty kick during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE TERMINATOR – 8.5/10 MOTM – …Like this one. And THIS is the Engels we paid for and pay to watch: sublime command of a football, spraying passes with such smouldering virtuosity as to make a nun re-think her vows. Scored two, the penalty being a litmus test of temperament and belief; and passed with distinction; near-perfect hit. But it’s his born footballing swagger that sets him apart – playing in the inside-right slot, ahead of Calmac but just behind Reo; it’s the perfect spot for his ability to shine and give us an extra dimension of presence and guile. Sneaks MOTM for still being the antagonising kid with a mean streak right in the depths of injury-time as he relentlessly noised-up an opponent at their corner; Things I love to see from a young upstart.

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – Happier Reo means happier Celtic. Thriving with his new and former wingman, a shared inventiveness meant some thrilling expectation and interaction whenever we went left. Reo continued his recent revival – meaning he was tuned-in earlier and able to negate his occasional mishap with some admirable contributions.

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Daizen Maeda celebrates scoring the third goal with teammate Jota during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 – Henrik Maedasson continues to bang them in – headers a speciality it seems, before trumping that with a Daizo Moravcik flighted chip to complete the move of the season. Though he was pretty quiet for half an hour and wondered if he’d swap with Jota. But he seemed to wake like Godzilla halfway into the movie and from then on it was a Daizen Rampage that could have brought a wonderful hat-trick.

Adam Idah celebrates scoring Celtic’s second goal with Callum McGregor during the match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6.5/10 – The goals! Yes, that’s the one – he’s nothing without seeing the net bulge and it invigorates his general game. Continued his own personal rejuvenation and renewal of faith with another superbly-taken rebound strike; after an initial fine run and poke seemed to have denied him. All-round contribution could be far better, but that’s up to the boss to drill it into his skull – you want the jersey, do the hard yards.

NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – Did he ever leave? Talk about comebacks; you may only be able to eclipse this one if you really did get Wham back on tour – probably using some sort of embalming technique, animatronics and black magic. Anyway… George lives on in Jota with pitch-perfect delivery and dancing feet that is the perfect hot toddy to banish the chill on a dreich winter night and warm yer arse as it lifts of the seat time and time again.

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SUBS –

Jeffrey Schlupp of Celtic arrives at the stadium prior to the match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

SCHLUPPTHERA – N/A –  N/A for – No’ Bad/ At All. A big unit forged in London’s smoky, sweltering steel mills, borne up the road by a herd of grubby orphans to make the choicest of debuts when his team’s cruising. Looked capable and may have scored a worldy.

Nicolas Kuhn scores the sixth Celtic goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images

TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – DID score a worldy. Nick does the same quality of cameos as Alfred Hitchcock; Breathtaking genius.

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Just to remind us we have TWO swarthy Portuguese superstars in the squad, on swaggers Paulo to hustle around for a while.

Johnny Kenny battles for possession during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

KENNY JOHNNY – N/A – Reminds me of Tommy Johnson for some reason. May be the look and movement. Hopefully soon, a goal as well.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Look! Luke! On for a late win-bonus; a chocolate bar.

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Jota embraces Brendan Rodgers, following substitution during the match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5./10 – The Bayern team. Minus one. So no rest for the wicked as The Brodge tests out the brave Spartans who’ll face the Bavarian Barbarians. And all went well – exceedingly so – against a team who caused us a traumatic winter’s night in Dundonia. No doubt he’ll move on from transfer window talk because in my opinion – not humble, definitive… – it’s worked out quite nicely for him: Ange’s talisman, and a bit of an albatross necklace that took the sheen off the Gucci belt, is gone. In place – Brodge’s bhoy, his 9 million bucks of raw Irish he hooked in from the Norfolk cold last January and will now task with being the Celtic hero he’s been primed for. As the fans’ ire is targeted towards the board…All worked out quite nicely. And you thought you were getting a new multi-million strike sensation? Really? Think again…

Match referee, Colin Steven awards a penalty following a VAR check during the match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

MIBBERY – 3/10 – William Hague with the whistle need some glasses – the sensitive assault on Austin happened right in front of him, and I can only suspect he momentarily considered getting involved, clouding his judgement of the incident. Couldn’t quell his hormonal imbalance soon after it though, and carded our Bhoy for being on the receiving end of a hand-off by their tactile winger. Too late – the gap was widening both in the game and at the table top; And there’s no hastily contrived bridge of citrus fruity they can conjure to close it.

Callum McGregor acknowledges the fans following the match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 8/10 – At it like an L.A fire, we were, looking determined to charge the frigid air with dynamism and light our own blaze under their trembling feet. The returning pop prince electrified the atmosphere and perked up expectations, and he and the team served up a footballing treat. It was all positivity and creativity and a jhoy to watch. You can’t really dissect and transpose the performance outwith the context of that 90 minutes in any meaningful way – it’ll have no bearing on the cup-tie, and certainly means nothing in the face of the Lovecraftian  gods we’ll be up against next Wednesday. But as far as measuring us in terms of the Scottish Premiership title, we’re looking at a squad of players still hungry for glory, pushing themselves on and beginning to gel comprehensively into a formidable unit.

Daizen Maeda celebrates scoring Celtic’s third goal with teammates during the match between Celtic and Dundee at Celtic Park on February 05, 2025.(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Throw in some goal of the season contenders and our young Celts swashbuckling like Errol Flynn to get us 13 points and 400 hundred goals clear of The Lobotomised, then you’ve got to say the postponement due to Storm Welshgalname damage was an insurance claim worth the extra premium hike.

Although Pistol Pete would disagree…

Go Away Now

Sandman

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