The Champions (League) of Snark – Match Week 6 | OneFootball

The new format of the Champions League really begins to show its stuff. At this time last year the first round was over and done with, but now, it’s just getting interesting!Skip to the bottom of the article if all you want are the table results.

Tuesday, Dec. 10

GNK Dinamo 0 – 0 Celtic

What a tepid affair this was… only 18 shot attempts (a meagre 3 on target) between both teams. Yawn. The biggest drama was Kasper Schmeichel’s save to salvage Celtic’s pride, and the fact that defender Greg Taylor managed to stay on the pitch after earning a yellow in the 6th minute.

Girona 0 – 1 Liverpool

Grind. Grind. Grind. Liverpool were far from their best, but when Girona defender Donny van de Beek took down Luis Díaz in the box and Mohamad Salah stepped up for the ensuing PK, you knew the Egyptian was gonna drill that into the net.

Atalanta 2 – 3 Real Madrid

Real’s Ballon d’Or bridesmaids (Kylian Mbappé, Vinícius Júnior and Jude Bellingham) stepped up to score to give their team a critical victory and keep them above the Elimination Zone. Atalanta, meanwhile, drop into the Knockout phase after their first CL loss.

Bayer Leverkusen 1 – 0 Inter Milan

This was the heavyweight match of the day, two teams trading blows in a 15 round melee which was decided in the closing minute. Nordi Mukiele punished Inter’s lack of offensive drive (they had zero shots on target) when he fired off a low shot after the ball popped out of a scrum of bodies during a corner kick. It was Inter’s first conceded goal of the Champions League, and Bayer deserved the three points as they were clearly the better team on the day.

Brest 1 – 0 PSV Eindhoven

Comparisons to the “one small village of indomitable Gauls” from beloved comic series Asterix are looking fairly apt. They are undefeated at home and without doubt the feel-good underdog story of the Champions League right now. Fingers crossed their unanticipated success (they sit in 7th place) continues.

Club Brugge 2 – 1 Sporting CP

Sometimes the worst thing in soccer is scoring early. Despite conceding in the 3rd minute, hosts Brugge dug in their heels and continued to pressure Sporting, drawing the match level after an own goal from Eduardo Quaresma. Casper Nielsen put the blue and black up late in the game, giving them a much-needed win as their next two matches are against juggernauts Juventus and Man City. Sporting, on the other hand, have dropped their second after losing manager Ruben Amorim to the Premier League.

Red Bull Leipzig 2 – 3 Aston Villa

Red Bull’s slogan may be “we give you wings” but someone must’ve slipped some of that into Ross Barkley’s water bottle. His INSANE golazo in the 85th minute, moments after stepping onto the pitch, propelled Villa into the top 8 and kept Leipzig winless and guaranteed their elimination.

Red Bull Salzburg 0 – 3 Paris Saint-Germain

There’s no better cure for the soccer doldrums than a trip to a Red Bull stadium. It worked for Villa, and was even better for besieged club PSG. With the other three French clubs far above them in the table, the Parisians had to win, and they did so emphatically, outshooting the hosts 15 to 3. Will it be enough? Stay tuned for the next two fixtures (vs. Man City & VfB Stuttgart) to find out.

Shahktar Donetsk 1 – 5 Bayern Munich

See three stories up about the perils of scoring early. In this case, Kevin Macedo’s 5th minute goal for the host team just poked the bear. Bayern proceeded to pummel Shahktar for the next 85+ minutes, with Michael Olise grabbing a brace.

Wednesday, Dec. 11

Atlético Madrid 3 – 1 Slovan Bratislava

After a somewhat rocky start, Atlético have turned on the afterburners. This win puts them at 3 in a row, and overall they have victories in their past 10 matches across all competitions. If they keep this form, a top 8 spot could be theirs. Bratislava, pack your bags and go home, cause your race is done.

Lille 3 – 2 Sturm Graz

In a fifteen-minute stretch between ‘37 and ‘47 these teams traded two goals apiece. Ultimately, though, Icelandic substitute Hakon Arnar Haraldsson sealed Lille’s spot in the top 8 with a powerful right-footed bolt into the upper corner.

AC Milan 2 – 1 Crvena Zvezda

After last week’s blip into the winner’s column, Crvena Zvezda (aka Red Star Belgrade) returned to their losing ways. Well, that’s not entirely fair. They were actually holding hosts AC Milan at bay and pressing hard when substitute Tammy Abraham poached a goal from a set-piece scramble in the 87th.

Arsenal 3 – 0 AS Monaco

Bukayo Saka brace + Kai Havertz = 3rd place in the table. I didn’t see this coming, and Arsenal have been inconsistent all season long, so it’s a bit of a shock that they rose from outside the Top 8 (they have superior goal difference to the five teams at 13 points).

Benfica 0 – 0 Bologna

Bologna have this unerring ability to make other teams play down to their level. Which is bad. Twelve of the teams in the Knockout section have conceded more, but no team in the CL has scored fewer (1 goal in 6 matches). Benfica were the latest victim of this bewildering stratagem.

Borussia Dortmund 2 – 3 Barcelona

The first half of this fixture was SO DULL…. But the second-half more than made up for that. Trading goals back-and-forth, it was Ferran Torres (replacing Robert Lewandowski) who netted the final two for Barça and locked in their 2nd place spot in the table. Dortmund may be outside the Top 8 (they sit 9) but with their next two fixtures against bottom-feeders Bologna and Shahktar they could still punch their ticket to the R16.

Feyenoord 4 – 2 Sparta Prague

Three goals in the opening 30 minutes was all the hosts needed.

Juventus 2 – 0 Manchester City

The City slide is now bordering on the absurd. Sometimes I pinch myself and wonder if I’ve crossed over into a parallel universe ala the His Dark Materials franchise. Despite 68% possession and more shots, City fell on the road. Only 1 win in 10 games. Yikes.

VfB Stuttgart 5 – 1 Young Boys

This was the Irrelevant Game of the Week, notable only for officially dooming Young Boys to elimination, and providing Stuttgart some dim chance to claw their way into the playoff round.

The Standings

Cruisin’

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Two teams have punched their tickets into the knock-out round at least: Liverpool and Barcelona. The former are still undefeated, while the latter have five wins after their first match loss. While it’s no surprise to see those clubs at the top, very few people would have expected Brest and Lille to occupy the 7th and 8th slots this late in the campaign.

Top Half of the Middle

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If you’re here, you’ve earned your squad a home-field advantage in the second leg of your knockout round. This can be huge.

Bottom Half of the Middle

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If you’re here, you’re probably thanking your lucky stars to have survived the eight games and still have a fighting chance. You get to host the opening match of the two-game knockout, but travel for the second.

Buh-bye

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Red Bull Leipzig, Slovan Bratislava and Young Boys are the only three winless clubs, and thus have been mathematically eliminated already. PSG… watch out!