Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Fergie Triads | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE FEEGIE TRIADS

Former Celtic captain Paul McStay carries the Scottish Premiership Trophy up the Celtic Way as the Celtic team arrive ahead of the Celtic v St Mirren match. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 3 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

Alistair Johnston of Celtic blocks a shot on the Celtic goal line. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, – 3 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace, IMAGO / Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Alrighty, One-Punch Mickey impersonations all round as Kasper is surprisingly required to make only the one definitive save despite St.Middens posing a constant threat all game; testament to the quality of defending in front of him.

Kieran Tierney of Celtic Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, , Celtic Park, 3 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace, IMAGO / Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

KATIE – 6/10 – It’s early but the KT-Daizen double-act had some promising moments, though they need to work on a climax to their routines. Then… clenched teeth all-round as a non-Jamesy groin niggle curtailed the comeback kid. Bated breath until a diagnosis/ prognosis. Say it ain’t so...(It was just cramp – Ed).

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Injured? Away? Not for this 90 minutes. It was classic CCV versus the type of opponents he relishes; big brutal bar stewards seeking other big brutes and coming up against our big brutal bar stewards. And losing.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – The AJ overlap hasn’t found its 2025/26 pivot yet; minus one Kuhn, the mechanism attempted to function utilising a Korean spare part but froze and stalled too often to be truly dynamic.

OF JUSTICE – 8/10 MOTM – Playstation FIFA virgins, run and hide now. The player you love to hate and berate across social media just slapped you across your peely-wally wee faces with his ginormous ginger wanger. The timing of an atomic clock in a trio of first-half interceptions kept our heart-rates low and the new season’s chastity intact. He added cultured distribution and pragmatic defensive choices to that throughout the game, ably covering left-back in KT’s absence. kein Fuß falsch, as they say of the Barndarrig Beckenbauer. Fannies, you met your Waterloo. Now appreciate what you have.

Celtic captain Callum McGregor runs away from goal celebrating after scoring to give Celtic a 1-0 lead before it was disallowed by referee Don Robertson following a VAR check for handball by McGregor in the build up to the goal. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Football, Celtic Park, 3 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace. IMAGO / Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – The gyroscope tuned-in and would have tuned them out but for the intervention of traditional witchcraft. When Calmac plays, we play. Circumspect all the opening hour, exercising caution in the face of their physical prowess, he ramped up the intensity for the final period and eventually got his dues. Not one for the ages under the watchful gaze of The Maestro, but a performance the great one would appreciate for its quiet orchestration of a narrow but deserved Celtic win.

NYLON – 6/10 – Hmm, the jury’s still in the pub. Moved well, linked with reasonable success, had the big moment of the opening half which would really have launched his Celtic career but for their lithe gurning goalie and a traitorous crossbar. But he faded when we needed focus and his threat had tailed off by the time he vacated his position to the quality kid. We shall see…

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – A victim of newness. Nylon not yet proven nor sure of Reo’s game. Which resulted in a frustrating time for the mercurial Japanese – runs blunted by brawn and our lack of awareness; play to him, around him and win. Stutter, be slow to utilise his movement between lines, and fail.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – All marvellous effort and intent. But no final ball nor rub of the green for the Green Machine today. His KT understanding may come to be dynamite, injury permitting, and his goal tally may well win the title again if misfiring centre-forwards can’t connect. For now, Dazen will not sleep; he will hang wide, and wait…

Kieran Tierney of Celtic applauds the fans as he walks off the pitch. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 03 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace, IMAGO / Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

DUNCAN IDAHO – 5.5/10 – Well, talking about waiting… Still the stats fail to tally with the performance levels. Willed to succeed by so many, yet cursed to flounder by a missing yard of pace and a cutting edge that only scrapes. He did work to gain space but when the moment of profit finally appeared he swung his banjo at Camilla’s face and missed, cracking a post which the board will take out of his wages. The saga continues. The conundrum remains unsolved. The tolerance countdown is surely on.

YING – 5/10 – That jury may be smoking through an entire duty-free haul of ciggies in the pub car-park before this season’s judgements are in. Nifty footwork does not a complete winger make, and after intermittently lighting up the game, the Korean top-shooter appeared to have shot his bolt by the time Celtic got to the vinegar strokes. So to speak…

SUBS –

JAMESY – 6.5/10 – Ah-ha! The veteran of venereal afflictions instigates a Celtic climax like only he can – appearing amid a lull to rustle up a stoic defensive block with positive energy and running direct attacking vecotors. Jamesy was matador and cowpoke, thrusting with his sword and riding the stubborn bulls to breaking point. Yes, ladies, you read that correctly; thrusting and riding. Now catch your breath. A fit Jamesy remains a potent weapon (insert Kenneth Williams meme here) and a game-changing option.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – N/A – Surprisingly, and tellingly, not first-choice. Hmm.

THE TERMINATOR – N/A – As above, but that may change next week.

Luke McCowan of Celtic celebrates scoring to give Celtic a 1-0 lead. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, Glasgow, 3 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace, IMAGO / Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6.5/10 – Yass! Lukit that! In his make or break season, as new bodies flood in the doors (sarcastic transfer window gag there…) Luke kicks it off by kicking in the winner. Impact, m’lady; a crucial and joyous scuttled deflected effort that will feel like a 30-yard postage stamp rocket to the deserving matchwinner.

KENNY JOHNNY – N/A – So pacey we blinked and missed him.

Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 3 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace, IMAGO / Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

THE NOTAPRODYGAL – 6.5/10 – Persistence beats resistance. Or… Stubbornness is stupidity. You choose. A centre-forward who can’t seem to regularly centre-forward keeps the jersey. An asset whose current valuation is -6 million to the overlords. Coupled with another 17 million of unproven capital investment which can’t make the starting eleven on the opening day of their second season and you might get an inkling of why there appears to be a disconnect between transfer budget expectation and reality. Quite simply – The Brodge got to shoot his wad last summer and the hallowed balance sheet is around ten million bucks down because of it. One of two things may happen now – pride gets swallowed and meritocracy resurges, or the ego takes the wheel and he struts off on his stack heels. It’s a simple answer really – play the best eleven you have. Not the best eleven you want to have.

MIBBERY – 7.5/10 – Ooft, a strong start from the diabolical rickheads as polar-opposite interpretations of the handball rule somehow arise in a single half as Celtic struggle to break down a rigid defence the day after the Zombies gain a magnificent away point. Fancy that. Utter vermin. Yet it’s always sweet music to hear the retching coming out of the VAR room as their fantasies get shredded with mere minutes to go. Nae luck. Har-de-har. Again.

Former Celtic captain Paul McStay walks out the tunnel before raising the Scottish Premiership flag. Celtic v St Mirren, Scottish Premiership, Football, Celtic Park, Glasgow, 3 August 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace IMAGO Shutterstock (The Celtic Star)

OVERALL – 7/10 – It’s good to be back, and it’s good to be the kings. Might have been the perfect opening game, really – capable and tough opposition, the great McStay flying the flag again, and hallowed departed Gods of Paradise suitably honoured. The frothing edge was added by the Zombie attempt to reprise a Saturday tea-time comedy variety spectacular on TV and setting up the Sunday coronation. Yet we almost let the tiara slip as we wobbled on our heels like phished-up drag queens, all glam and glitz but tucked and taped and impotent in the face of the PaisleyPusPosse, out to molest anything that encroached into their box.

So we elaborated and delayed and chose precision over spontaneity and it all looked pretty anti-climactic until yet another grandstand finish. Not one that’ll live long in the memory but the points were the main prize and a winning start can’t be sniffed at after some pre-season turbulence rocked the presumed flightpath. Don’t know where or when we’re going to land but at least we’re off the deck and swinging with intent. So let’s keep it up and aim for the sweet spot, as a legendary Prestwick swordsman once said.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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