Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The Tundra | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE TUNDRA…

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – Kasper’s PTSD nosebleed from Tuesday only subsided this morning after being forced to pull off more saves and pick the ball out the net more times in 90 minutes than he’d done all season. So it was a relief that he got to play a few hands of Texas hold ’em with the travelling support while the game mostly stagnated up the other end. Then, after a couple of smart stops, came the ‘Butland/man’ moment. Difference being, of course, that when the Zombie keeper’s taken a long-jump of his line, VAR goes all Mr.Magoo. Not a lot Kasper could do about the unsaveable re-take from a striker who’s one of us apparently; Get to confession now, young bhoy! A sickener for a Celtic keeper in search of history with one more clean sheet. So damn close.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – A moose leg is usually a Canadian woods-militia barbecue delicacy. Was a beautiful main course today as AJ thighed-in the desperately sought equaliser. He’d looked not 100% all game, but there’s no doubting the bhoy’s resiliency and super-strong mindset. Capped his – and out – comeback with a sniper-precision pass on the move for the winner.

UNCANNY – 7.5/10 MOTM – A shock to his Barca-bred system as he spent the first ten minutes believing he was visiting orphans in a warzone before reality set in; this was an actual SPL match venue. But of all our players today, the classy kid was THE most consistent over the 90, showing focus, tactical discipline and flashes of class. He was the perpetual zip and verve we required today as his momentum remained constant and inspirational. Really good game.

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS CONTINUES ON THE NEXT PAGE…

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – The crowd think whipping-bhoy who continues to defy the Playstation FIFA virgins’ consensus opinions with performances of individual quality that don’t fit their bully-boy (Billy-boys?…) narratives.Maligned for CL displays that have on average probably been the best of our squad over these two seasons to date (8 games, 2 MOTM, averaging 7.125/10 from THIS collection of ratings ; and that’s definitive). It takes a strong neutral mindset to shut out the halfwit noise and analyse Liam as a footballer. He seems to be the mhan they hate to love. But he’s in this side on merit and he continues to merit his place. Mad moment of flailing hands, and he knew it. But again, all-round defensive nous and fortitude kept his head in the game and ensured no more errors.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – In therapy all week since getting off the plane from Germany. “I…I…It all happened so fast. They did. So fast. Running past me…Fast…Yellow…Blurs… Dear God…The Horror, the horror…” The thousand yard stare still haunting him through the first half was a fitting demeanour for a young American in Scotland’s Vietnam. But he too managed to shake the lethargy, have Liam’s back, and put in a pretty energised second-half, at it with real intent.

CALMAC – 7/10 – He doesn’t hide, the captain. Took it right upon his gifted shoulders to grind through the rough opening until he could get the engine’s gears in rhythm and step up through them with his dynamism as Ross Co. faded. Almost struck the equaliser in a manner Kuhn showed him how to later, then set up THE equaliser with a snooker in off AJ. Big effort, and relief, to get his men into the international break seven out of seven. Now rest awhile.

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS CONTINUES ON THE NEXT PAGE…

THE TERMINATOR – 4/10 – What is this… Place? A Young Arne looked rather bemused and not in a happy spot as he toiled to find space and his touch after finally settling down with the realisation he wasn’t going to end up over the grill in the hotdog stall every time he went to take a corner. But this was a day out of sorts and, frustrated, he grumbled his way onto the bench early.

HAKUNA HATATE – 5/10 – Was wandering around that Dortmund park at the final whistle looking as shell-shocked as the postie ten minutes after ‘Little Boy’ dropped in to rearrange his route. But he’d been one of the few to remember who he played for last Tuesday and he carried that purpose into today. Or so it was shaping up. But after some smooth movement and insightful passing, Reo drifted out of synch. Bit surprising, as I was awaiting his intuitive positioning to bear fruit the further back they drew.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – First time I’ve thought Daizen looked tired from the kick-off. Not quite utilising that extra mad burst of pace, as he had a few chances to put himself in finishing positions which we’d normally have seen a blur poking the ball into the net. No shortage of all-out effort for the cause, however. Now we need to tranquillise him for a fortnight before releasing him into the most intense part of the season.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 4.5/10 – Tactical choice – play your big daftie against their big dafties and see if he can rumble up something. Trouble was, we didn’t really play to our big deadly daftie’s strength at all while he was on the pitch. He hasn’t got the deft touch for what we were asking him to do. Ironic then, that the first delivery into the box after he departed was perfect for him but had Kyogo gawking up at the skyline like a dizzy New York tourist.

TAKINTE – 7/10 – Welcome to Ross Kuhntee, Nic Kuhn! The German Jinky shook off his irritatingly stifled first 87 minutes to show his showbiz class – latching onto that sumptuous AJ ball, it was a subtle Elvis gyration of those silky hips – watch closely for it, fans of the King… – that threw the defender as he cut inside and, uh-huh, the finish was sensational. No accident or uncharacteristic flush of form – this lad’s got quality in those boots and is proving that fully-fit, he gives us a scintillating match-winning option.

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS CONTINUES ON THE NEXT PAGE…

SUBS –

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6.5/10 – “When Ah wis up here back in the day wi’ the The Skids this was all Tyrannosaurus Rex territory. Still is, probably, if they electric fences aroond the toon are anyhing tae go by…” beamed young Jobson, the only Celt getting off the bus with a grin on his chops because he’s just damned happy to be here among his heroes. But not only can he hold a tune, he can play a bit too. Improved our midfield energy and incisiveness no end as he injected purpose and desire. Using his natural rangefinder, balls into their box seemed more troublesome and his positional awareness meant they couldn’t get it clear but for him picking it off thirty yards out. Worthy of a start next.

JAMESY – 6/10 – Want a party livened up, you know who to call. Want a threat brought to a tricky away scrap, you know who to call. The polis in both cases, usually, as Jamesy’s threat level certainly had them gathering in numbers beside the park, after at least a dozen local burds abandoned their seats to run out in a tizzy as he hustled on and hustled around at speed across their defensive line, causing some delightful chaos in tandem with the wee mhan…

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – Movement – that’s what it’s all about, kids. Shift and find the spaces appearing. We had Jamesy the wandering weapon, and darting Kyogo, famed for his medical assistance, but out to hurt them today. And his saved glancing header from the corner led to the equaliser. Then he dragged their other big CB away from covering Kuhn’s deadly run. Told ye, Brendan, the title’s in his boots. Play the predator.

SAINT BERNARDO – 5/10 – Get on, get busy. Took Paulo a few minutes of sclaffing and clumsiness to get his groove, but then we got some quality and decent deliveries and a presence in there to thwart their retorts.

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS CONTINUES ON THE NEXT PAGE…

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 6.5/10 – With the ‘improve us in Europe remit’ now hanging over his head like the Sword of Damocles, it was always possible BR would take a leaf out the Levein Under Pressure Manual and go 5-5-0. No, he declared full intent to attack anything that moved, even if it meant a retaliation that would leave baws aching and the foul taste of a proper doing lingering for a while. Bit like Israel then. Hopefully…Team was only slightly altered and first 45 looked the wrong choices. But he nailed it with the subs and got the tough result we manage once a while up at the frostline. Seven out of seven, or nine out of nine in total, domestically, cannot be argued with. So I won’t.

MIBBERY – 6/10 – Hungover from celebrating through Tuesday night like the rest of the country’s Zombies who now truly live vicariously through us, the MIBs managed to catch a stagecoach North and bribe somebody named Passepartout to huckle their dodgy VAR equipment to the local sacrificial killing ground; Or ‘Victoria Park’, its Sunday name. They needn’t have bothered; they probably knew this was going to be a reparation day and the Hoops were dead set on taking out their CL angst on the already-resigned-to-a-humping home cannon fodder. Yet, hopes were raised all that stuffy opening period and we’ve already covered the Kasper orgasmic moment for them. But all that glee and aching hope came to nothing with such a wonderful spewer of a goal that the diminutive Zombie on VAR – hello, Little Nick – missed the second yellow offence as OUR Nick partied with the travelling bhoys and one steward, drawn in as collateral damage. Well, that’s Celtic entertainment for ya, MIBs…

OVERALL – 6/10 – Dear Ghod, do we have to watch another game…It’s been a long week. From Perth to Purgatory, Yellow Wall to Ding Wall. Now the Bhoys have to run the gauntlet as they trespass on the tribal lands of the frozen North, seeking out the village of the Wildlings through the dank, chill mists, already cursed by the local witchdoctors for violating The Sabbath. So after Tuesday’s abominable show, man, we travelled to the tundra to hunt abominable snowmen (See what I did there, shocking pun lovers?).

Even after the hilarity of Thursday’s Ibrox misadventure mitigating a bit of that sting, enthusiasm was on the wane – it was a time not of cheery anticipation, but for staring into the lunchtime pint, sucking a breath in through clenched teeth, then lifting eyes to the screen with a wavering sigh. That Rhineland nightmare would be merely an anomaly in the glorious Celtic matrix? Surely…

Eh, whew, nearly. That first half was reminiscent of awaking to the dawn half-light in a dreary old Dortmund brothel, high ornate ceiling spinning above as you drag your aching body out of bed from beside the slumbering form of god-knows-what and stagger across the cold bare wooden floors, stepping over a dead chicken and the naked midget cuddling a snoring ferret lying beside the white-dusted silver salver holding a couple of blunt razor blades, as you search three empty Absinthe bottles for a drop of moisture to quench your rabid thirst and orientate your befuddled brain.

That sort of half. Yeah…Like we’d regressed a year.

But, as the bookies hate, the Hoops did it again; that relentless optimism and solid self-belief so absent midweek, drove the Bhoys over the finish line and finished the traumatic week on a high to carry us over the next fortnight in good spirits. So after that edgy trip into distillery country, thankfully it’s a toast to the bhoys that closes the opening chapter of the season. Slainthe, all.

Go Away Now

Sandman

CLICK TO VISIT OUR NEW SISTER SITE – CELTICSHORTS.COM

More Stories / Latest News

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The Tundra

Oct 6 2024, 19:04

Celtic on this Day – High-flying Aberdeen beaten at Parkhead

Oct 6 2024, 14:46

Tuesday is in the past, three points in Dingwall is all that matters

Oct 6 2024, 11:19