Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Fir-Burger Park | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ FIR-BURGER PARK…

Motherwell hit the bar. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 –  You forget Kapser’s probably been here before in a previous life so the grubby skankiness of the surroundings don’t faze him much. After Wednesday he may have expected a lighter Sunday outing but got shocked out of complacency early, dicing with death and thanking his voodoo for their hoodoo as the woodwork saved him more times than titles the Zombies have won. For the rest of the match his blood pressure returned to normal, and safe hands made bright work; not to mention classy feet as he half-volleyed a 50 yard pass low through a forest of legs to give us the goalkeeping highlight of the game.

UNCANNY – 7.5/10 – Very tuned and very tidy. Moves like a pimped-up Bernabei with many added upgrades. There’s the Barca-bred footballing instinct you’d expect from his pedigree but there’s also a finesse and consistency there, plus great reading of a game; notable cover and support play. Gilded another fine game with a superb delivery for AJ’s goal.

Alistair Johnston scores for Celtic at Fir Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

WAYNE GRETZKY – 8/10 MOTM – Das Kapitan. An honour for The Moose and a day he wanted to remember fondly. Set about it with custom energy and powerful play up the right, linking well but fruitlessly with Jamesy. No let up into the second period, when the relentless pursuit of victory led to him capping his perfect afternoon with a stylish diving header that gave us breathing space and ultimately the points.

OF JUSTICE – 7/10 –  Repetition is the definition of insanity. Sort of;  Paraphrasing that doesn’t suit Liam’s method – repetition is what his game is built upon; in this case practice doesn’t make perfect but perfect practice does. So David Brent management speak aside (feel free to use those to impress workplace stiffs) we expected/hoped for an Atlantis repeat. And he tethered the backline for the opening strife until a re-jigged Celtic framework gelled, then switched out to left-back later on to maintain his overall excellence.

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CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 7/10 – As Liam. Tough, tuned and settling into that dominant CB position. Dogged most of the game by Motherwell’s unpronounceable nuisance up front, he too replicated his European adventure. Heads were scratched through his unremarkable and unconvincing Celtic blooding, but now the Battle Of Bergamo and the Fir Park humping have enlightened us as to his particular qualities – athleticism and recovery; the latter demonstrated second-half when atoning for slackness. The Centre-Back conundrum question will be posed in the months to come – which two out of three? Or four, if we get a fit big Nawrocki into the mix.

Luke McCowan celebrates his goalPhoto Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 7/10 – If dreams came true: Here you are, son – go and run the Celtic midfield in a hyena’s den. So street fighter young Jobson did. And revealed his Special Move – a splendid strike, swept in with aplomb, to steady a shaky ship. Didn’t all come easy – toil in the engine room first 20 as their teenage prodigy ran the show. But that gave Luke the opportunity to show what disciplined, harnessed quality can facilitate in the long run as he got to grips with their fleeting menace and took over, before throwing in that piece de resistance (his goal, you non-multilingual idiots).

Alistair Johnston is congratulated by his teammates. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

SAINT BERNARDO – 6.5/10 – Wake up, Paulo! Pickpocketed early for their most dangerous moments. The Calmac role was a square peg, round hole fit by the looks of the opening exchanges. But as with Luke, his ability shone through the tangle and as the game wore on, that robust gangly style had him all over the place and all over them, comfortably in control.

Reo Hatate. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – No rhythm, no Reo. With the conductor absent, the orchestra’s most versatile instrument blew between the high and low notes, looking dangerous and then disappearing. But overall, Reo’s movement and probing was timely and effective enough to impact upon the result.

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Daizen Maeda is brought down in front of the Motherwell goal. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

LORD KATSUMOTO – 5.5/10 – Daizen’s Sapporo lag continues. Smashed another case on the flight back from Italy and the low energy performances mount up. Yet, not too shabby and burst onto the scene today in a few exhilarating bursts. But this isn’t the Daizen we know and adore; and that’s just fine as long as others are stepping up to the mark and doing the business while the human whirlwind has a few games of downtime.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – Feed him! Snuffed out by lanky beasts in their backline, not helped by a paucity of service. Eventually wriggled into dangerous space and was denied by a top save; but got hooked, disappointed he couldn’t get himself on the tally.

Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

JAMESY – 6/10 – The old Hamilton Palace nightclub held a dildolit vigil last night, hearing of Jamesy’s impending arrival a few miles away. Known back in the day of his frequenting as ‘the killing ground’, there’s said to be an ancient stone down in a basement chamber, much of a size as the Stone of Destiny but made of marble and labelled the Stone of Chastity, upon which there are chiselled scores representing virginities surrendered to The Prestwick Flash. Hushed reverential whispers spoke of totals even Hawking may struggle (Eh, ‘have struggled’…) to comprehend. So the Motherwell crowd down his wings today were particularly vibrant, eager to feel The Great Deflier’s presence.

Jamesy, paying no heed to the screams and flying knickers, went about his business as usual -Ladies… – and gave us some busy wingplay. But despite his incessant hammering, they wouldn’t yield – almost unheard of… – and his ultimate contribution was merely to tire out his direct opponent so that Nick could deputise and inflict the damage; In every sense, he played the part of the wingman today.

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SUBS –

THE TERMINATOR – N/A – A stroll for Arne, his remit simply to make up the numbers in the closing stages.

Adam Idah celebrates.Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6.5/10 – Ping! Lovely movement and finish to ice the cake. More game time, more sharpness, and better touch all required. But he won’t get the chance if criminal challenges like the ankle-snapper by that lobotomised plankton – who looks like he participates in the live streamed humping of drugged and greased-up rottweilers – are allowed to continue.

Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

BRIAN DE – N/A – Another goal at Fir Park might have eased the vitriol thrown his way but that sclaff is a sign of the times; and his might be up soon.

TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – “Buzzin’, man!” That’s how you expect him to answer in Trainspotting-esque English when you see him in sizzling form like this. Reality is that he’s cool and collected behind those lightning-quick processes of thought and feet. Ice cold in the veins to make the bursts and pick the killer ball as demonstrated perfectly for the third.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Welcome back, big mhan, now take it easy. And just like that we allow them a break and his first involvement necessitates a stretch longer than the impending Morelos jail-time to intercept a ball cut across our goal. Teeth-gritted that he rose back up, unflinching… Phew. Got a bit more of a workout than expected after that but showed no indication of weakness in his blocking and heading.

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Brendan Rodgers talks to Celtic TV after Celtic’s 3-0 win at Fir Park against Motherwell. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – The Harlem Shuffle. In a place not unlike that titular crime-ridden, NY rathole, BR braved the wrath of failure and rebooted a visiting Celtic side to less than expected levels of starting quality. Out went the skipper, the big signing, the form winger. In came the loose cannons looking to make an impact.

The switches were felt most in the middle and took time to align but when they did we got – almost incredibly in comparison to previous visits – near-perfect syzygy. This was his believe-in-the-system-and-the-system-believes-in-you dorky management-speak mantra evaluation; maybe as much to convince himself he has the players to do it as showing the players that what he preaches on the training ground can translate perfectly to winning matches. Well, it worked. And what may have been a banana skin was, instead, a delicious banana sundae (see what I did there, classic American dessert and Sabbath fans?)…

Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Sworn Zombie, Bargain bin, out to sabotage the steamrollin’ Sellik. Turned up today excited after his beloveds went rampant against the worst Romanian champions since Ceaușescu’s team of ten amputees and a blind gypsy fortune teller in nets won the title unbeaten, at gunpoint, wearing his wife’s shoe collection. Might have thought he was going to succeed as a flurry of petty fouls kept us subdued for a half hour. Finally thwarted by classic Celtic persistence overcoming his wicked resistance. Though his true colours – not red – shown at the death when the Idah assassination attempt received a token response prior to VAR intervention, and not the execution by firing squad it merited.

Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

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OVERALL – 7.5/10 – No Calmac, no panic; Thankfully. Maybe reinforcing the sexist-pig argument that wimmin’ have no place in football, his pregnant missus chooses the most inopportune moment to drop; the worst timed birth since John Hurt ruined my cinema hotdog during ‘Alien’ back in the day…So the captain spent all night directing the delivery room nurses and midwives, arms waving, yelling for the press, calling for a hold, a big push, until the eventual magic moment arrived and it was a double, a pair, a twinset of twins; a warm welcome to wee Dolce and Gabbana McGregor.

So we’ll leave the Skip to kip – probably not for long, lol – with great congratulations, and the reminder that he’s been pretty renowned this season for shooting outside the box; Maybe if he’d thought of that nine months ago he wouldn’t be in this position…Talking of kids… Motherwell threw one at us and for the opening exchanges he gave cause for much concern, hitting more wood than a Jamesy conquest, displaying dancing feet and footballing nous.

Adam Idah scores. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

We’ll probably sign that lad in January; word is he’s a Zombie by dint of childhood cult brainwashing, so it’ll be sweeter to pinch him and develop him into a proper player. Unless of course by then some kind of apocalyptic event has reduced the monetary system to bartering, where Motherwell will accept the Zombies’ stash of used ginger bottles over Celtic’s hard cash.

But once we overcame the Motherwell Millertime flurry we eventually cruised to a surprisingly comfortable win, not by anything spectacular but by – probably more pleasingly – overcoming them with consistent football quality; shifting the ball and Motherwell around with pace, precision and guile. It was the perfect result to follow the CL intensity, conjured at a tricky venue with an unfamiliar lineup; a tonic for all concerned.

DEDICATED TO: TOMMY CALLAGHAN

Tommy Callaghan, pre-season photo-shoot, 1975. Photo The Celtic Star

Tommy Callaghan.

What do you know about Tommy Callaghan, Celtic legend? Most of us never saw him play in the flesh. Just how good was this feted man?

Stein signed him. TWICE.

That’s all you need to know.

RIP, Tommy.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties, Volumes One & Two are both published by Celtic Star Books on Tuesday 5th November 2024. If you would like to order your copies of these brilliant books please visit celticstarbooks.com – please note that postage is only charged on one book…

Celtic in the Thirties by Celtic Historian Matt Corr is published in two volumes by Celtic Star Books. ORDER NOW!

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