Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Count Orlok’s Castle

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The Celtic Star

·2 janvier 2025

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Count Orlok’s Castle

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ COUNT ORLOK’S CASTLE…

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” – Shakespeare

Brendan Rodgers, Manager of Celtic looks on following the SPL Premier League match between Rangers FC and Celtic FC at Ibrox on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Et tu, Kasper? Another uncharacteristically wayward with his passing accuracy; most unusual in his case. Did everybody have the same steak pie yesterday? Looked like the near-infallible hero keeper was still digesting his as he scrambled after their sneaky opener which crept in at the post. Forgivable though, and did hold the fort against a rake of shots later on as The Sieve made a decent fist of letting the Zombies queue up to play Beat The Goalie.

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Greg Taylor of Celtic and Mohamed Diomande of theRangers during the Scottish Premiership match at Ibrox Stadium, 2 January 2025. Photo O’ Rourke//Shutterstock

GREGGS THE BAKER – 3/10 – Busily got himself in a fankle and never was where he was meant to be in time, thus the inverted full-back role meant only cutting inside to scurry after Zombies. No supporting opportunities or able to force our hand in the middle because he was just so off it. But in good company…

Alistair Johnston and Scott Bain of Celtic arrive at the stadium prior to the SPL Premier League match between Rangers FC and Celtic FC at Ibrox Stadium on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

WAYNE GRETZKY – 4/10 – Cumbersome day, but he was visibly annoyed, unlike some others drifting through proceedings. Managed to somehow outrage the demented Zombies by saving his face from a back header by Romanian metrosexual agitator. Never got near the levels of impact he usually does due to a frequency failure with Kuhn.

Liam Scales blocks as Vaclav Cerny of Rangers shoots during the Scottish Premiership match at Ibrox, Rangers v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, Photo O Rourke/Shutterstock

OF JUSTICE – 1/10 – One is being kind. From Ginger Baresi, the Barndarrig Beckenbauer, to the Wicklow Willy Wonka. Minutes into the game he wobbled, then he gifted their opener, and after that it was a scramble to see who could get behind the couch first, every time the ball went near him. Austin Trusty looks like he’s been self-harming with a razor blade given the amount of times he pinched himself just to confirm he was still sat on the bench. Hooked at HT in a cup final for footballing crimes on the level of shoplifting compared to Liam’s sawn-off shotgun-and-crossbow murder-spree today.

Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic reacts during the SPL Premier League match between Rangers FC and Celtic FC at Ibrox Stadium on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GET CARTER – 7/10 MOTM – A pass for sheer class. Often embattled, swarmed, outnumbered, but the ONLY Celt who kept his head and demanded more. Led by example, brilliant last-gasp tackle to stop a cert before half-time. Remained terrifically composed given that every time he lifted his head to play out all he could see were glimpses of green and white hiding behind swarming slaver empire blue. Games like these, I’d like to see this grizzly growling like a captain, bullying his own players into a game. Keep him here at all costs.

Celtic captain Callum McGregor and Danilo Pereira da Silva of Rangers during the Scottish Premiership match at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic, photo O’Rourke/Shutterstock

CALMAC – 3.5/10 – Thought he may have begun channelling Broony on half-time as he noised up Rumpelstiltskin to the point of a yellow. But no, a drop back to anonymity followed thereafter. So often Calmac has dominated the ball, and them. The ball was a rare commodity this afternoon, needlessly surrendered; his command of the game non-existent, even his basic involvement sporadic bar a great burst out of deep after half an hour of struggle. He’s got to demand more – of his slovenly team-mates that’s for sure. But also of himself – too nice to too many. Start cracking some heads around you, get players out of their comfort zones and on their Celtic toes. Set standards and be very unforgiving and vocal of those who too readily let them slip. Otherwise, prepare for more fruitless toil like that.

SAINT BERNARDO – 3/10 – A passive savage. Aflficted by the team’s viral apathy. He needs a roustabout to put him in the thick of it and has the ability to create his own in big games by dint of sheer presence. Not today; faded from view and involvement after initially appearing useful.

HAKUNA HATATE – 1/10 – Vying with Liam for bewildering impostor of the afternoon. Who was wearing Reo’s jersey? Certainly not the fluid Skelper of lore and song. His was a display so abstract and mesmerisingly, surreally shocking that it was a Japanese modern-art installation in itself. And like any dreadful, pretentious indie arthouse movie, it should have been cut down to a maximum 45 minutes.

Dujon Sterling of Rangers and Daizen Maeda of Celtic during the Scottish Premiership match at Ibrox. Rangers v Celtic, Photo O RourkeShutterstock

LORD KATSUMOTO – 4.5/10 – Got to nearly give Daizen a pass for sheer Daizen endeavour, putting in his customary shift of water-carrying and covering for hopelessly out of touch comrades. But due to lack of service his moments after the break were few. And the one that did come to put us back in it, he ‘Daizened’ – managing to somehow karate-kick his own setup knockdown header high and wide.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 5/10 – “He’s no’ as guid as Larsson…” Of course he’s not. But he operates on around 25% of the service the King Of Kings thrived on. Play Kyogo, win the title, was my mantra for the desperate comeback surge of last season and I wasn’t kidding – championships are won with goals from prolific goalscorers and they need fed. His movement today was continual, his opportunities meagre; beautiful take and finish for his marginally offside goal. THAT alone should ring an alarm bell for those who berate his paucity of goals this season – play TO Kyogo, not around him. He’s here due to Angeball – the perfect foil for a dynamic attacking unit of which he was the spearhead. You’d think sometimes he was included in actual spite of that rather than as an integration of combined aspects of BR’s system. In short – stop messing around and get it to him as often and early as possible, let him do the damage, THEN you can throw on your own signings to showboat…

Nicolas Kuhn battles for possession with Jefte during the Scottish Premiership match between theRangers and Celtic at Ibrox on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

TAKINTE – 4/10 – We knew it would take typical skullduggery to stop him, and that’s what he got from a Brazilian jakey – a broken face via a Sunday League morning classic; forearm smash disguised by, and performed within, the charade of direction change. Trust me on that. A stupefying clunk of a hit that left his head ringing for ages. Sadly, with VAR distractedly jerking-off to the Zombie lead and the linesman filling his adult daipers in front of their enclosure, nobody wanted to take responsibility for calling it what it was, and the cop-out yellow card was flashed. As for Nick’s overall contribution – read Daizen; promising flurries (HIT IT!) let down by malfunctioning midfield which restricted his involvement, and an on-running communications breakdown with AJ.

Nicolas Kühn of Celtic was injured during the Scottish Premiership match at Ibrox on 2nd January 2025. Photo Neil Hanna Sportimage

Continued on the next page…

SUBS –

Adam Idah of Celtic blocks Hamza Igamane of Rangers during the Scottish Premiership match at Ibrox. Rangers v Celtic, Scottish Premiership, 02 January 2025. Photo O Rourke Shutterstock

DUNCAN IDAHO – 3/10 – What do I want for £9 million? Well, someone who’ll put their head/body/face on the line when THEY are on the line as last man to stop a second Zombie strike heading right at them from getting past. Nope, he ducked out of it; Turned away like a big Jessie instead of taking one for the Bhoys. Shifted around up front for a while trying to make something happen. But spoils his efforts with daft pointless flicks that are never coming off.

Arne Engels hit by coins at Ibrox

THE TERMINATOR – N/A – On the bench due to illness. Lucky him. Then unlucky him to be the victim of typical Ibrox antics – stoned by a thrown butt-plug at a late corner. Result reversed and closed door matches for them for the rest of the season, please. In the interests of sporting integrity and the good of the Scottish game, surely? Hello? Hello…

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 2/10 – Jesus H Christ, even the subs are at it. Luke appears then sells the jerseys by gifting the ball to the favela pimp and hasn’t even got the legs to chase or decapitate someone who’s been at it for 80 minutes as they set up the third. Get to the gym.

Alex Valle of Celtic battles for the ball with Nedim Bajrami of Rangers during the Scottish Premiership match at Ibrox. Rangers v Celtic, 02 January 2025 O’Rourke Shutterstock

UNCANNY – N/A – Sorry, kid. Bet you wish Barca hadn’t changed their minds again, huh?

Brendan Rodgers, Manager of Celtic, looks on prior to the SPL Premier League match between Rangers FC and Celtic FC at Ibrox Stadium on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 2/10 – Ah, the presser hubris… Egg. Face. Suck…A rare slaughtering by the mortal enemy. Mismanaged on a grand scale by a guy who’s been vocal about squads, responsibility, acting precisely. We got nothing of structure or purpose; 2D flat and sideways meaningless possession football; almost frightened football compared to our habitual frightenING of the opposition.

As for decisive management – HT substitutions in the Cup Final due to underperformance were an exception and not the rule, obviously. How a couple of players in particular and a few others, stayed on the park for so long to the detriment of the Hoops is quite an eye-opener. Was the boss smashing the crystal champers at the Bells and still suffering? So you can add the Gucci Gaffer to the list of New Year Res…Pollutions. An embarrassing and humiliating afternoon for him in FULL live view of planet football due to foreign match schedules. Tactically papped by Baldemort with no answer to a predictable hustle that his system just couldn’t find a way to counter or play through. Now he earns his corn – by setting things right after a disaster like that. And JK too – because he needs a big guy to prise the biscuit tin lid up. Gavin can calculate the leverage required on his laptop/ Xmas ipad.

Match Referee, Don Robertson removes an object from the pitch after it was thrown towards and hit Arne Engels of Celtic during the SPL Premier League match between theRangers and Celtic at Ibrox on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Forearm smashes? Nah. Niggly Zombies? Nah. Crowd calling decisions? Awright…But little really for them to bother influencing – Celtic were so absent it must have felt like a joyous day reffing the Murray Park training between first team and stiffs for the MIBs. Who were no doubt very stiff themselves from minute seven onwards…

Celtic FC players huddle on pitch prior to the SPL Premier League match between Rangers FC and Celtic FC at Ibrox on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Continued on the next page…

OVERALL – 1/10 – Solitary one, just for actually creating a goal, though offside. Like some diddy cup team overawed on a big day out at the Death Star. This was the worst performance of the season, possibly the year… Wait for it…Wait for it… There you are. A worse overall display than the Dortmund nightmare, given the comparable abilities of opponent. Completely absent competitive levels of interaction, played out to a non-existent tempo in a timid, placid expression of confusion. Like kids just introduced to each other in the tunnel, spooked by all the noisy people shouting at them. Rinsed by the Zombies and rolling over like pussies to be kicked in the haw-maws at will. Jesus wept, Celtic.

Match commander gathers evidence against theRangers thugs

A disgrace of a performance that, if it weren’t for the outstanding GOOD grace these Bhoys have gathered for their scintillating opening months of the season, would deserve the end of a few tenures. That may still happen given the transfer window is open, which might have a few glancing over their shoulders and wincing at calls from their pet sharks; ‘Agents’, sorry.

The Celtic shirts don’t shrink to fit inferior players and a few were running about like Madchester ravers of the 90s today, kit billowing in the waves of rancid, bigoted breath from the ugliest crowd of misbegotten hybrid creatures on planet Earth. The jungle drums will beat loudly tonight and those cheeky monkeys will squawk vociferously about their metaphorical trophy champions until the next collective of jobbers take points off their bottling underachievers (probably Sunday…). We, on the other hand, must gaze into the mirror and realise you’re not the fairest in the land; Not as long as you get complacent about your domination and begin to believe your own hype.

A wreath from Celtic FC on display during a commemorative service in memory of victims of the Ibrox Disaster ahead of the SPL Premier League match between theRangers and Celtic at Ibrox on January 02, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Thanks for ruining New Year, Celtic – now go and make sure the rest of it is something worth partaking in.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties by Celtic Historian Matt Corr is published in two volumes by Celtic Star Books. ORDER NOW WHILE STOCKS LAST!