Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Toontown | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ TOONTOWN

Kasper Scheichel and Callum McGregor ahead of kick-off. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – How dare you! A shot out of the (dark) blue and Kasper’s grasping. Then he must’ve believed he had rocked up in the Twilight Zone (well, it was Dundee…) as the second 45 brought O.Gs, a barrage of near things and a soft header leaving him rooted. A real X-Files of a night for the keeper who barely had a save of note and yet could have conceded more than three.

Greg Taylor, Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Congrats, Mr.200 tonight. Which is about equivalent to the number of years since we lost at Dundee. And didn’t he start well? Terrific ball in for Luke, then scampering down the wing like some Poundland Daizen. Looked like he’d celebrate his landmark night with a match-winning performance, so imagine my surprise* that he dropped out the game, losing influence as chaos reigned, before the hook came.

*quite surprised

Alistair Johnston. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Luckily for AJ the Canadian PM, Trudeau – a walking Easter bonnet pussy of a man- has resigned, and the turmoil in their Parliament meant the proposed bill to have AJ play in just his pants tonight as punishment humiliating the nation on Saturday with his decadent accessories (gloves!) never got through in time. So there he was, outfitted in his shortest Celtic kit, charging around without a care, like the reputation of some 40 million moose-worriers wasn’t actually on the line…Nope, just Celtic’s. But his guilt burden was light in the overall scheme of this match; some fine deliveries and that relentless lung-bursting support play meant our right flank was service as usual for the most part.

Cameron Carter-Vickers. Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Not quite drawn into the same sphere of incompetence as his defensive partner, but still a half-yard and a sparring session away from his habitual dominating 90 minutes. Found himself hustled and rolled and pressed too often for his liking. Too many spaces opening around him filled by too many runners in jute tops, culminating in a faultless OG as he stretched to defy another incisive break of our lines. Battled through. Not like others…

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Dundee’s third goal. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 1/10 – Rusty? Well, certanly not literally trusty. Like on Saturday, shakey early. Only, tonight it got worse, devolving from uncharacteristic aberration into full Sunday-League-hangover-flaming-awful worse. Bullied, rinsed, out-muscled and out-jumped, exposed like Jamesy at last orders; every negative possible from the Centre-Backs’ Anti-playbook was exhibited in a horrendous jersey-selling night of gormless sabotage. How he lasted past their second is down to one man… Later.

Callum McGregor. Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

CALMAC – 4/10 – Talk of flicking switches, and we waited all evening for Calmac to turn ours on. Nothing happened. Or something short-circuited. Never seen him so quiet in a game that required his oversight, after comfortably orchestrating a dominant opening half hour. Maybe he needs a rest, a quick refresh of game vitality to spark him alive for the incoming crunches. Ironically, tonight would have been the one to choose.

Luke McCowan opens the scoring, Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6.5/10 – Why? Scored a beauty, always looked the mhan most likely to emerge from the midfield with swagger and guile and settle the contest. So.. why sub him with plenty time to spare on a park he knows well, in conditions that suited his style, in a game where he’s already made his mark? Poor Luke, he was on one. And poor us.

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Paulo Bernardo. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

SAINT BERNARDO – 3/10 – Yeah, Paulo, one of those games…Heavy touches, misplaced passes, and the bar-skelped-sitter that would have sealed the points early. When it’s not your night, it’s not your night. And it certainly wasn’t his, despite his ever-reliable effort.

Adam Idah’s big chance at Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

DUNCAN IDAHO – 3/10 – Houston, we have a problem… Thing is, Apollo 13 fixed theirs with a bag, a hose and duct tape. And it didn’t cost £9 million. We could try using the same materials, but he’s a big lad and hiding the body might be a problem. So we’ll have to hope he gets himself out of this rut. With his physique and reputation he should be able to – but he’ll need to gain an edge and drop the Craigy-Whyte-baggery. Running the length of the park to get on the end of what would have been a quite stunning breakaway goal means nothing if ultimately you’re going to skip out of the finish like a squealing, chittering little girl soon as you see the keeper closing in. Apologies to Shirley Temple. Quit the ‘nice big fella’  and get an attitude befitting of a Celtic target man. Look at young Engels – sneering, snarling, scowling around, berating opponents; what a stick he must be to play against. So, Adam, get to being one too.

Kyogo. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

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KILLER MUSHROOM – 7.5/10 MOTM – Terrific Kyogo involvement once more reminds us of what’s been lacking since the summer of 23 prodigal reset. Drifting around, sliding in some delicious balls, sharp and inventive. Did his utmost bar scoring to get us the points; even then his only blot was pinching one off Yang in a stramash and failing to tuck it away. Keep the wee mhan playing, particularly into the CL showdowns; he’s the main striker we need as BR’s big signing flops.

Yang celebrates. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

YING – 6.5/10 – Another busy outing, but… This time some reward for his honest endeavour. A heider from the diminutive Korean, lol. But well done to hustle and climb and knock it in; only to have the glory of celebrating in front of the away support ripped away minutes later as The Sieve struck back. Nobody’s overly convinced of his worth yet, but there’s no doubting his commitment.

SUBS –

Arne Engels scores. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – Growl, snarl, moan, BANG! Lined up and skewed a couple before the big pressure moment. But, like I’ve said – the Bhoy’s got some gallusness and was born for finales like that. Keep him mean and keep him keen and get him in there from the start, deeper and taking some workload off Calmac if necessary.

Reo Hatate. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – Why? #2 Not really a game to throw Reo into when your incumbent midfielder’s doing just fine and already on the scoresheet. And thus, Reo got lost in the clutter.

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TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – The real threat arrives on the park, just in time to do some damage and help salvage a point once we’d worked out that shuttling the ball to him at every opportune moment was the only fix for our suicidal defensive psychodramas.

Luis Palma. Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

BRIAN DE – 5.5/10 – Still here? Damn those UEFA embargos. But…Energising run down the left at the death and still looks as likely to make an impact again as much as any other who’s been brought back in from cold storage.

Alex Valle. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

UNCANNY – 5.5/10 – The kid was up for it – winning the game, that is – and got stuck into the general chaos of the last ten minutes, firing in some blocked shots in hope of faring better than at Dingwall.

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Brendan Rodgers. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 5/10 – Jagadguru Rambhadracharya can speak over 20 languages, can write in many too, including the pre-historical Sanskirt script. He is one of the greatest Hindu scholars who ever lived, and amazingly has been blind since the age of two. Whilst meditating by the banks of the Mandakini river tonight – at around quarter past nine our time – he suffered a seizure and passed out. On coming round he told worried attendees that he’d had a vision, despite his lack of sight, and spoke to them in brisk English with an accent they could not comprehend. Subsequently, it has been claimed he shouted: ‘The hell is Trusty still daein’ on the flamin’ park!? Get flamin’ Scales in there or this is goin’ tae suck!” But no context has been understood locally, and it will be recorded as another great mystery of the Ramcharitmanas…

As much of a mystery as the boss’s intransigence while his defence malfunctioned, and he made some bewildering changes whilst ignoring the obvious one. If only we had some sort of experienced defensive coach on the staff to advise…However, not everyone can get it right all the time. And some of us have been waiting decades for just once… So let’s see if the Luke and Liam double act is live on Saturday tea-time telly. Hmm…

Referee Don Robertson points to the spot. Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

MIBBERY – 4/10 – You don’t know if The Don wanted to join in or interrupt the Celtic flow, or if VAR only has eyes for Yang when it comes to decapitating boot heights. So they were kind of neutral but untrustworthy, like a gang of hyenas lurking at the edge of camp, giggling away at proceedings, excitedly waiting to see when they could strike. And then came the penalty. And their dismay was palpable as diabolical Damien Dallas couldn’t find the slightest reason to excuse the defender’s basketball move. Har-de-har.

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Dens Park Dundee. Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

OVERALL – 5/10 – When a stroll becomes a stumble, then a shambles, then a relief that you didn’t break anything and got away with a light bruising. Dundee Reserves put in another title-challenging performance and the Celtic aristocrats looked on rather apalled at the sheer gall of it. Credit must go to them – after being ridden like Lilly Phillips for the first half hour they turned round and went at it like savages: Led by a ginger barbarian who is the poster-child for every Interpol identikit picture, managed by the most eloquent of 1000-yard stare jakeys ever put in front of a mic, and backboned by a brawny Norn-Iron Bhoy who roughs-up swarthy American defenders for yuks and didn’t even celebrate his goal “‘cos his uncle’s in ra’RA.”

Liam Scales, Dens Park, Dundee v Celtic. 14th January 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

Having said all that and admiring their baws, (figuratively speaking, madam…) Celtic were atrociously complacent and passive in the face of Dundonian desperation. Almost like the Bhoys fancied a bit of excitement on a balmy January evening by the Tay. We certainly got it, although it’s not one you’d want to see repeated as we bewilderingly surrendered a lead twice after being in the expectant position of racking the goal difference into triple digits. That sort of schizo outing could have us crucified in the CL and probably papped out of domestic cups. So, as the glass collector said to the Celtic winger, “If you really must do it, then hurry up, do it tonight, get it over with, and never speak of it again.”

Right, bring on Deek.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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