Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Salem’s Lot | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ SALEM’S LOT

Celtic fans protest at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

Celtic fans protest at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 9/10 MOTM – He’s no stranger to plastic – Denmark invented Lego – and it was hoped Kasper would have enough time to build the Lego Jaws set he got for his birthday on Tuesday. Instead, he faced the most shots a Celtic keeper has domestically in over a decade. Just as well he had plenty practice in Dortmund then…

Kasper Schmeichel was Man of the Match. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

It was a Joe-Hart-turning-back-the-years performance for the ages. Just getting better as he gets older? From the first early fizzing, dipping nasty strike, to the marvellous left arm scoop to stop a certainty, or playing pinball with his feet, he was the total goalkeeper. You can’t throw an elbow at Kasper, either, because he’ll not crumple in a heap – he’ll be in yer face like Ragnar Lothbrok, he’ll stare you down and call you out; He’ll mess you up, bro…

Kasper Schmeichel was Man of the Match. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

Just ask the Killie kitman all about that when he comes to do oversized hobbit Donnelly’s laundry. The stench… And as if all the above wasn’t enough, news broke from France that Zinedine Zidane had turned in his medals after Kasper pulled a ‘ZZ’ to gild a points-winning display. Outstanding.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10 – Greggs is worshiped in Kilmarnock; the Greggs shop, that is. When he played here they believed him to be the Son Of The Food God, so took his move to – ironically – Paradise not as ascension to a higher plane of football existence, but as sacrilege.

Greg Taylor in action at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

Now, anticipating his returns, local witches curse him, junkies are sacrificed, and straw effigies are burned at stakes across Killie; An English documentary crew turned up on the fifth of November to film at various locations around the town as wild fires blazed and fireworks lit the night sky. “Are celebrations always this crazy on Bonfire Night?” they asked. ‘Whit’s that, uh? it’s jist Tuesday, mate.’ was the blanket response.

Greg Taylor in action at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

So today ‘The Heretic’ was again castigated loudly from the sparsely-populated home stands. And it seemed, unusually, to spook him; bit ragged as they opened up his flank too often. Took him a while to settle but no worse than many others. And you know he won’t hide; so no surprise BR trusted him to see out the 90.

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Alistair Johnston in action. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6/10 – Another torrid day for AJ. But this one he would not have expected. The surface and directness of Killie – playing two wingers and rugged beasts down the middle had him pinned back. Probably the fewest number of times he’s been able to tag-team with Kuhn this season. But The Moose is no shrinking violet and well capable of standing up to pressure, which he did well until CL fatigue took its toll.

Liam Scales win the battle. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

OF JUSTICE – 7.5/10 – Some real incisive defendng from the Ginger Baresi. Great positioning and interceptions as expected. But we really needed his sharpness today – nicking balls away from the toes of strikers, timing jumps to perfection; example on 85 minutes as the ball bobbed up in a crowd around the 6 yard box, Trusty mistimed, Liam took a standing jump and nodded it out to the edge of the area. Looked easy. Anything but; had to get it just right.

Liam Scales win the battle. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

Played a great ball from deep after chesting down a high one to set up the Kuhn-should-have-scored move mid second-half. Deserves great plaudits for his overall focus and composure in the most trying domestic circumstances since Sheryl Gascgoine failed to put enough raddish on the jakey’s sandwich.

Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.Auston Trusty at Rugby Park

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 7/10 – Another successful testing game for our startled American import; “What in the goddamn hell kinda field do these sons of biatches play soccer on? Goddamn it! Game over, man! Game over…” …Is how the dialogue will go in his movie biopic. He took the physical challenge well as Killie went two battle-giants down the middle with MMA rules applying. Alongside Liam, he stood up pretty well to the most stringent test a Celtic defence has faced away in Scotland since Jamesy’s legal team got a subpoena from the Shetland Young Ladies Finishing School for ‘multiple counts of inappropriate ravishing’.*

Auston Trusty at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

Game by game Austin grows more into the role. You wonder if Rocky will get a look-in, though I’d say all four CBs will have parts to play the more successful we get.

*Not Proven verdict.

CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE…

Auston Trusty and Callum McGregor applaud the Celtic support Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

CALMAC – 7/10 – Just when you needed him – for the fifth time this season the skipper scores from outside the box, bewildering Jamesy. Unable to command proceedings under persistent pressure on that laughable ‘pitch’ and the game bypassing midfield, his major influence today was psychological – a matter of keeping heads in the game and focussed. Then, as we’re struggling to make half-time level, up he steps and thrashes one in from forty yards*. Boss move. Kept us churning through the second 45, awaiting the openings for quality to seal the deal. Now, rest.

*sort of.

Arne Engels at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

THE TERMINATOR – 5/10 – Tripped, clipped, hustled, bumped, poked, cracked off the ball, dragged down; generally beat up and kicked around until he was stifled and hooked with sore baws. Thank goodness our class players get the necessary protection from officials in this country…

Reo Hatate with Brendan Rodgers at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Red card! Red card! You could hear the orgasmic squeals from Tory HQ. But Reo’s a gentleman, hardly caressed the Killie shin with his toes as he pulled his leg away on impending contact. And don’t just take my word for it, Zombie lurkers – take it from one of yer own as Deek McInnes comes out after the game and declares he didn’t think it was a red either; har-de-har, poppies POPPED right there in a shower of sweet opiate to soften the pain…Reo’s lengthy participation in this game was puzzling – least suited to that surface. But he acquitted himself well enough, always looking for the killer pass and move, which is what I guess he was kept on for.

Daizen Maeda in action at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – No Donald Ducks given as Daizen motors around, all-terrain tyres on for the plastic adventure. And he stayed lively, persistent and a threat as ever, nearly making the difference on a few occasions and landing a few tasty digs as well, in that inscrutable style.

Adam Idah celebrates the opener, which was scored by Callum McGregor. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

DUNCAN IDAHO – 3/10 – Smiles a lot. But so does Donkey from Shrek, and it’s probably got a better touch. You play centre-forward for Celtic you need to be tuned from minute one – a chance came early to set us off but lack of awareness and skill evaporated it tamely.

Adam Idah receives treatment at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

Took a flying forearm to the face that still didn’t rouse him, and right before the opener, again sharpness was lacking as Kuhn prodded in a subtle ball just asking to be swept home. Mercifully, he failed to get a touch on Calmac’s goal. Kept expecting a revival, but clumsiness plagued him all game until switched-out. Got to do better to justify the price and his Celtic place. This ain’t Norwich, big guy, so let’s stop playing like you’ve got webbed fingers and toes like the locals.

Nicolas Kuhn scores Celtic’s second goal against Kilmarnock. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – Zing! From a lightning burst early, you felt he was the Germhan to make a difference. SHOULD have done that when played right in off a one-two with Kyogo but foiled by ex-Zombie-ginge offender- apprentice. Second time, though, he was away on the wing, rapid, cutting-in, then cutely whipping the ball inside the far post with that magical left peg. What a season he’s having.

CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE…

SUBS –

Paulo Bernardo at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Just the right rangy battler to throw in here. Surprised he didn’t appear earlier.

Luke McCowan at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Another scrapper with skill we might’ve used for ten minutes more than he got (or all game…); almost scored a beauty.

Kyogo brought down at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – Thankfully, we eventually got some guile down the middle. A proper handful to occupy their bruisers and the wee mhan deserved a goal; thwarted by a good stop.

James Forrest at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

JAMESY – N/A – ‘Yeez fancy it?’ Jamesy did, poppping on and giving them headaches as he used his experience to stifle their late ambitions.

Anthony Ralston at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

TONY THE TIGER – N/A – The only name on the lips to answer any Celtic conundrum that requires a scrapper to hold the fort. Or maintain a defensive wall; send in The Brickie.

Brendan Rodgers at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – You know he thought this might be tricky; CL fatigue and a known stumbling block for a Rodgers’ side. So Idah came in as with the May title-clincher to offer direct options. The gameplan just did not get functioning.

However, the Plan B so absent most of last season, has surfaced this time round like an imposing Dune spacecraft rising out the ocean; we CAN defend when the going is tough. And with belief. So Killie get Brodged in a different manner. And he gets to see a different aspect to his system given a rigid examination. He’ll be happy, if not thrilled, to get through unscathed and hit a rest period before the mad intensity of the next two months.

Nick Walsh shows Reo Hatate a yellow card at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – A mixed bag of goat keys; who’s picking them out? Little Nick couldn’t seem to make up his mind about letting Celtic players get kicked around or thudded in the face; his soyboy-lord linesman certainly could – pulled off a double when flagging a shy against us, incredibly, then being overruled, then ‘missing’ Arne getting chopped off the ball about a masonic handshake’s length in front of him seconds later. And VAR… Stunning lapse to fail to send off Reo, but I suspect because the game was gone. Are they all losing hope so early?

Celtic fans protest at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

OVERALL – 6/10 – Enjoy the big Tuesday CL show? Then welcome to Salem’s Lot…Leipzig was such a perfect moment, the motivation for visiting darkest Zombieshire was no easy ask.Hands up who wants to play on the recyled brillo pads from Hell’s Kitchen? And just as The Hoops elevate Scottish Football from Fast Food to Fine Dining by blitzing some bratwursts, along comes the SFA to spit on the entrees and grant a year’s further extension to the diabolical landscape of Rugger-Buggers Park.

Derek McInnes at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

Deek McInnes bears that demeanour of an ex-con just out on parole, but required to wear a remote controlled electric-shock butt-plug as penance. He brings such brutal grievance to his teams’ attitude – a scrap to the death it was. But the Bhoys handled it well, in a perverted way. Not had such a stern domestic trial in a decade, the game falling into a scrappy sluggers’ sideshow after we failed to pin them back early.

And you really know you’re struggling when you find yourself aggressively celebrating your goalkeeper’s saves. But it was, after a great run of testing fixtures, just one of those days when grit, luck and individual flair can make it one to remember when the title points are counted.

Celtic fans at Rugby Park. Photo Vagelis Georgariou for The Celtic Star.

And at ths time of year again – poppy-nazi outrage Sunday – what a delightful frustrating win it was to revel in as a Celtic community choir ignited fires under the entitled-righteous who would censor the free will of those who choose to sing over silence. Not boo. Not shout. Just sing.

So…

Let the people sing.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties by Celtic Historian Matt Corr is published in two volumes by Celtic Star Books. OUT NOW!

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