Tic Tac: A detailed breakdown of El Chiringuito’s Mbappe to Madrid saga | OneFootball

After months of speculation, Kylian Mbappe has decided to stay at Paris Saint-Germain, leaving Real Madrid standing bereft with their pants around their ankles and El Chiringuito looking especially foolish.

The Madrid-based football programme, with a penchant for amateur dramatics, came to the attention of English fans with its hilarious reaction to Eden Hazard conversing with his former Chelsea team-mates after defeat in the 2021 Champions League semis.

And the same programme has been shamelessly trumpeting Mbappe’s expected arrival at the Bernabeu for well over a year. The revelation that the 23-year-old would be staying in Paris was met with spectacular indignation.

Considering everybody in Spanish football has lost their collective shit over Mbappe’s decision, we’d have expected nothing less.

La Liga intends to report PSG to UEFA and they believe what PSG have spent to secure Mbappe’s signature “threatens the economic sustainability of European football.”

But that’s still nothing on the fawning, and subsequent rejection, of by the presenters of El Chiringutio.

We’ve charted the Mbappe-Madrid saga through the lens of the brilliantly bonkers channel and its array of colourful characters.

Florentino Perez

Real Madrid were one of the biggest supporters of the doomed ‘Super League’ project, with owner Florentino Perez pleading poverty against the backdrop of a continent-wide orchestra of tiny violins.

Less than four months later, they’d submitted a €160million bid for Mbappe. Can anybody smell bullshit?

The ‘Mbappe sound effect’

Like a spoilt child, Duro wanted his Christmas present now and he wasn’t prepared to wait for finicky things like international money transactions or workplace contracts.

Also, the special sound effect. Christ alive.

The clock

No words. Just make yourself comfortable and indulge in 140 seconds of unhinged genius.

Tic Tac

Josep Pedrerol is the lunatic at the head of the asylum, conducting the fellow inmates with his singular brand of one-eyed hot takes.

And Pedrerol opted for the playground tactic of repetition to goad the entire city of Paris. Tic Tac.

Green with jealousy

You know after a successful first date when the other person has clearly mapped out your entire lives together and gets jealous when you prioritise going to the gym or spending time with friends over your embryonic connection?

Yeah, same energy here. No wonder Kylian ran a mile…

The song

Why wasn’t this a worldwide smash hit? Seriously? Ed Sheeran wishes he could compose something this catchy.

Interview

Edu Aguirre let out a little wee following a routine Mbappe interview last October.

“This was one of the best Mondays of my life”, he proclaimed, as his wife and children gnashed their teeth.

And, with Mbappe staying in Paris and preparing to sell Neymar, this clip remains a warning about foolishly assuming anything in this fickle existence.

Nations League

Mbappe’s Nations League-winning goal against Spain last October was allowed to stand, despite him being in an offside position, because Eric Garcia had touched the ball on the way through.

None of these hyenas gave a fuck about the laws of football. Cue conspiracy, farce and general bedlam.

Ballon d’Or

Bit creepy lads.

New Year

It’s common knowledge that New Year’s Eve is the most overrated night of the year; the overpriced club entry, the pressure and expectation to have a good time and the gnawing sense of your own mortality as another year looms.

But El Chiringuito did things differently, choosing to celebrate Mbappe’s PSG contract entering its final six months with the bastardisation of a sea shanty.

On second thoughts, what time does Tiger Tiger shut?

Champions League

Mbappe tore Real Madrid a new one during February’s Champions League last-16 first leg, scoring a last-minute winner and leaving Dani Carvajal rocking gently in the changing room, muttering for his mum.

At least he’d be wearing a Madrid shirt before too long? Right? Oh…

The denouncement

After playing two of the world’s richest, and least self-aware, clubs with the skill of a one-man orchestra, Mbappe eventually announced he intended to stay at PSG and signed a new three-year contract.

Millions eagerly awaited El Chiringuito’s reaction to this jilting. And, by proclaiming that Mbappe would ‘never play for Real Madrid’ and he’d sacrificed his childhood dreams at the altar of money, Tomas Roncero gave the masses exactly what they craved.

Slap down

In the face of Mbappe’s rejection, Jose Felix Diaz went ‘full sadboi’ and denounced the forward’s manliness while choking back tears saltier than the sea.

Fool

The last word must belong to Pedrerol, the man bringing down a curtain on the whole saga with characteristic flair.

Over-the-top bombast? Check. Treating a potential transfer with the seriousness of the African irrigation crisis? Of course. Acting like an earnest teenager furiously scribbling a fresh poem after being crushed by their first love? Full house.

And that last second gear change? It floored us and it’ll floor you too. Sandra!