Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Rosco P. Coltrane

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The Celtic Star

·1 December 2024

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Rosco P. Coltrane

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ROSCO P. COLTRANE

“Never settle for ‘just getting the job done’. Excel!” – Tom Hopkins

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – The ballboys knew what was coming – handed him a Xmas present on twenty minutes; a Celtic crossword book and pen. So that at least kept his mind occupied while his nuts chilled. Finished the game with one clue left to get: ‘What are dead but not dead, smell like carbolic soap and boiled cabbage and think King Billy was straight?” Four letters, begins with ‘H’, ends with ‘S’.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – AJ doesn’t need to talk to you – he’s rated in the current top 22 defenders on the planet. But you wouldn’t think he’d heard. Humbly giving his 100% for the Hoops, running his hooves off and generally Moose-ing about like a nuisance (a moosance!) for their backlines; might have scored too if he’d gotten a long leg on the end of a sizzling Jamesy near-post ball.

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UNCANNY – 7/10 – “I’m not flaming leavin’!” The Wolf Of Wall Street meme is strong in this one. Barca throw us an early Xmas gift with a season-long approval and a hint of a buyout possibility. So the kid gets a start and for a wee while it’s looking like the Catalans are trolling us because he’s untidy, slack and erratic. But he’s also EVERYWHERE. And soon the touch took and he landed in his groove and we got a comprehensive display of why he’s rated; so unlucky not to get a glory goal of his own too.

OF JUSTICE – 8/10 MOTM – A goal and an assist in the first fifteen minutes – we had the Ginger Baresi, Beckenbauer and Maldini all rolled into one. No confidence crisis for Liam over his unfortunate omissions from the starting eleven – he epitomised the correct attitude for 90 minutes, making his mark and giving the boss a conundrum for Wednesday.

Callum McGregor celebrates scoring his team’s fourth goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Ross County FC at Celtic Park on November 30, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Took to Wednesday’s field of screams once more with determination and focus; not on his watch was that happening again. So with Kasper’s encouraging words ringing in his ears – “Stay oot Ma flamin’ boax” – big CCV made amends with a quiet but accomplished performance.

CALMAC – 7/10 – Wham bam thank ye M’am! – number FIVE from outside the box from the skipper’s lethal left peg. This one the sweetest of all – perfectly caught, bending and blistering away from the keeper’s outstretched paws. Lovely highlight of a well orchestrated win.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 7.5/10 – Luke what we’ve got here – a classy goalscoring midfielder living the dream. Great movement – which underpinned his afternoon – take and hit for his goal; earned the break. Had his wits about him and relished the responsibility of getting the three valuable points. Did so with aplomb.

Paulo Bernardocelebrates scoring the third goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Ross County FC at Celtic Park on November 30, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

SAINT BERNARDO – 7.5/10 – ‘We want Paulo!’, posted the hordes all over the web. And Paulo we got – rugged, languid, guileful and impactful. The work-rate was capped by the skill factor and his goal well deserved. Expected starter in midweek?

JAMESY – 7/10 – Incredibly the, ‘couldnae score in a brothel’ line is still tagged to Jamesy’s latest season. Not for want of trying; blocked, foiled, unlucky, and still hustling around like a young ‘un. The mounting Jamesy frustration should be a warning to any partying ladies out and about in Prestwick tonight – beware, ‘cos it’ll be like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man exploded…

DUNCAN IDAHO – 7.5/10 – Smothered for a quarter of the game, rarely glimpsed among the bodies then, after being slow to a dangerous ball, he took the stage and looked a valuable asset after all. Could have been a hat-trick, save for the woodwork, but memorable sweeping effort after a tidy drag-back. No Xmas donkey auditions today; this one had quite a kick.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – No Daizen, no party. The lobotomized amongst us don’t rate him but the rest of the world does. On days like these his pace does the simple job of isolating the full-back, drawing fouls, cards and setting up goals. On the big CL nights that pace buys precious time for the team to reset and focus as Daizen Daizens-it, careering round opposition defences, disrupting build-up and counters. But I don’t need to explain that to you, dear reader, because you’re not a flaming idiot. You interlopers, on the other hand… Enjoy yer nights, pals.

SUBS –

YING – 6/10 – Good feet, fast sharp and keen. Nice run-out.

TONY THE TIGER – N/A – The Brickie thrown in to see out the points.

THE TERMINATOR – N/A – The Calmac deep lying role not a problem for the youngster. His bill is ‘attacking mid’, but we’ll see.

HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – Poor Reo, thinking he was on a rest day. Nope. Tune-up for The Sheep.

GREGGS THE BAKER – N/A – See Reo; another dragged away from his Tik-Tok for the last ten minutes.

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 8/10 – That went well. Changes can be troublesome, but the only trouble he caused was to Coonty. Every replacement contributed, the system remained functional and productive, with added glamour and sparkle making it a dazzling display. All-in, a bit of a Gucci belt of an afternoon.

MIBBERY – 1/10 – Dazed and confused; not just a 90s indie movie, but a pretty good summation of the MIBs dressing room at half-time. Only question was, who was more devastated and reluctant to come back out for the second half – them or Coonty?

Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers embraces Ross County manager Don Cowie during theScottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Ross County FC at Celtic Park on November 30, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 8/10 – A game of two halves. Thank Ghod we held on for the win. There’s always been games like these dotted through the seasons that are more like landmines than banana skins and can seriously derail momentum. Not so, today. The Heelanders were cleared out so brutally they thought they’d just lost Culloden again. Their keeper bottled it before half-time and the new fella gets to wind him up all week with a clean sheet. We’d already done the business in swashbuckling style with every new face contributing majorly to another scintillating Celtic performance.

This was the perfect answer to any question of complacency or demotivation coming off the CL highs. Getting the three points is always the ultimate goal, but doing it in style seems to be this squad’s forte. Long may that continue as we get entertainment heaped on top of success. Now for Wednesday and the title clincher. Who wants to face these Celts on a roll? Baaaaaa….

Dedicated to: Simon Donnelly.

Simon Donnelly of Celtic football club taken during the team photocall in Glasgow. Photo Allsport UK

The ‘wee lad’ is FIFTY today. Fifty. Jeez-oh. Seems like yesterday Macari was hailing our new Dalglish and the slight, nippy blonde kid with the eye for goal was buzzing about up front with a Celtic strip flapping around him like he’d been hung up on a washing line inside a quilt cover.

Simon shone as a young man in a toiling Celtic team that was among the worst in our history. What could have been if a bhoy of his talent had today’s advantages in coaching and facilities. But he gave his all and gave us some bright moments in the deadly gloom of the early Nineties. And now he gets his reward – a licence to talk mince to us down Celtic Tv co-comms of an afternoon.

Happy Birthday, Simon, and cheers.

Go Away Now

Sandman

🎉 Happy 50th birthday to @CelticTV co-commentator and former #CelticFC player, Simon Donnelly! Have a great day, @SimonDonnelly13🥳🍀
– Sunday, 1 December 2024