Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Dundee Hibernians of Arabia | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v DUNDEE HIBERNIANS OF ARABIA…

Celtic goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel applauds the fans after the full-time whistle. Final score Celtic 3 Dundee United 0. Celtic v Dundee United, Premiership, Celtic Park, 15 February 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Look, nae hands! And nearly nae feet as he got sloppy second-half through boredom. Like Kasper probably does, I wonder that young Vindaloo isn’t thrown into domestics in-between the Champions League adventures.

Jeffrey Schlupp of Celtic waves to the crowd as he walks off the pitch. Celtic v Dundee United, Football, Celtic Park, 15 February 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – 7/10 – He’s a solid block of trouble, Zombies. Admirable turn of pace to go with the physique of a cage-fighting docker. Terrific tackle on gurning zombie-reject Middlemarch to prevent a clean breakaway while the game was still balanced, then added another highlight moment as he uprooted the post with his traction-engine left peg. Shame about the Pharaoh’s wages of the lunatic EPL, as he’d make a worthy permanent addition by the looks of it so far.

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Nothing like having an able deputy to bring in and The Brickie fills the position most vulnerable today. Up against pace, he was stretched to the limit, but his dogged resilience gets him through. And his bonus attacking prowess was to the fore with that constant support and those deliveries we know can always do damage.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Surprised to see him and his defensive buddy take full part but their rangy goalscoring threat was enough to warrant his presence. That got sniffed by the usual CCV rugged approach. Dominance asserted early, he had himself advanced for our two thousand corners and fancied himself as Van Basten for what would have been the goal of his career. Unfortunately, he only succeeded in knocking Jota’s Wednesday night effort off the Jock Stein roof.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – Similarly unexpectedly starting, the big Mhan’s athleticism helped nullify the United attack. He too forayed into dangerous territory and skelped a post late on. Seems to have found his groove at Celtic now and there’s less anxiety around his decision-making.

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Callum McGregor of Celtic celebrates after scoring the opening goal during the Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee United at Celtic Park on February 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 8/10 MOTM – Just… Why? Again. I suppose an hour was fair enough, but 90 minutes? Tuesday is a mere three days away, for heaven’s sake.  Anyway, the skip was obviously there to dispose of their challenge soon as possible. And so we got peak Calmac driving the Celtic bus right through their low-block resistance like he was busting into the oil refinery in Mad Max 2. Channeling Maradona worked once with a swashbuckling opener, nearly paid dividends soon after but the finish was with his club-foot and just off. Another all-round exhibition of disciplined footballing excellence.

Callum McGregor of Celtic celebrates after scoring the opening goal during the Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee United at Celtic Park on February 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – The wheels of industry marked the outings of our other midfield pair. Luke’s part in the spadework was to tidy, offer himself as link-man and stay alert for breaks. Not his usual swarthy input but their setup warranted toil over touch. Got a full match in the tank? Looking more like it, and still had enough to come close with a calculated low free-kick effort deep in the game.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Workhorse #2 – the craft was Calmac’s this afternoon as Reo joined Luke in the boiler room and set about running United ragged. His incessant movement did the quiet dirty work to create the openings we required to get an edge. Will need the same on Tuesday, so rest and fuel-up.

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Hyunjun Yang of Celtic challenged by Glenn Middleton & Emmanuel Adegboyega of Dundee United. Celtic v Dundee United, Premiership, Football, Celtic Park, 15 February 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

YING – 6/10 – Jings, Yings got a great attitude. Relentless desire to get involved and into them; fusses around opponents like a snappy Jindo dug terrorising gerbils. If he could just add more sharpness to the necessary decisive moments that he plays his way into, then we’d be appraising him as more than just the Korean Mikey J.

Adam Idah of Celtic celebrates after he score the third goal during the Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee United at Celtic Park on February 15, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

DUNDAN IDAHO – 7.5/10 – Well, ‘that was a flaming ripper’, as they say in the convents after Mother Superior’s been waxing lyrical during her sermon. All game, from early, the lumbering lhad had looked more like a sprightly spartan – his feet were moving in synch with his footballing brain for once and we had presence with a bit of guile. All he lacked was a finish, a goal as reward for the work. Well, as those aforementioned nuns sing in the 70s gospel hymn ‘Friggin’ In The Riggin’ – by Christ, you should have seen it…A screaming peach of a half-volley that tore the netting out the – appropriately – riggin’. Those numbers are racking up. But like his predecessor, Kyogo, we’re looking for them in the mega-matches too, so we’ll know he’s really arrived as Celtic’s #1 predator.

Jota of Celtic celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee United at Celtic Park on February 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

NOTEBOOK – 7/10 – He’s back and he’s bad… In that 80’s “Who’s Bad?” way – which really means wickedly good, kids… Jota on the wing gets hotter by the moment – ladies – and in a flurry of excitement around the half hour mark he fired into life, whipping in a physics-defying cross for an Idah near-thing, then lifted stadium backsides into the winter chill with a scintillating strike that nostalgically warmed the hearts of all aficionados of George’s tremendous solo work.

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SUBS –

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – Indecision appeared to haunt him once more, midweek groans resurfacing in the stands. But he got his act together promptly after the ropey introduction and was popping up to cause them trauma, nearly scoring himself.

Daizen Maeda and Arne Engels of Celtic wait to enter the game as substitutes. Celtic v Dundee United, Premiership, Celtic Park, 15 February 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – You don’t need to understand; you just need to watch Arne at work with objectivity and the qualities that justify the price tag become evident. Presence, awareness, vision. Passing, movement, and mindset. A different, advanced, species of young player than many are used to critiquing.

KHUN – N/A – Loosening up for the reboot of ‘Kuhn’s Revenge’? Let’s hope so. And that he carries more luck in Bavaria.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic applauds the fans after the full-time whistle. Final score Celtic 3 Dundee United 0. Celtic v Dundee United, Premiership, Celtic Park, 15 February 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

LORD KATSUMOTO – N/A – The hero we need for the surprise result of the century thrown in for a half-hour warm-down after running Monday’s flight route, and back, to ease the anticipation of savaging some German central defenders… We hope.

KENNY JOHNNY – N/A – He’s as eager and keen to nail his first Celtic goal as we are to see him get some reward for the enthusiasm. Built like a racing snake and has zip, but even that wasn’t quite enough to get on the end of his one big opportunity; Because it was set up by Daizen. From another time zone.

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Jeffrey Schlupp of Celtic with Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers as he walks off the pitch to be substituted for Greg Taylor of Celtic. Celtic v Dundee United, Premiership, Celtic Park, 15 February 2025 Photo: Stuart WallaceShutterstock

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – A more complete Celtic line-up than anticipated. Expected changes were minimised and it does give pause for reflection – does he consider Bayern a longshot or done? The CBs and Calmac weren’t on my team-sheet and with them all playing 90 I’d say he thinks Tuesday will be a Hail Mary and his main concern is getting domestic business sealed. That was implemented with United’s recent defiance in mind and comfortably executed. So he’ll be pleased to sense that record title within range and treat the Champions League as a jolly Bhoys outing; and who knows if that just might be the best way to go about it? We’ll soon see…

Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers is seen during the Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee United at Celtic Park on February 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Little Nick ramped up to his annoying best at times; nothing terminal, but some excruciatingly irritating calls of such abstract, surreal and arbitrary nature that you wondered if he sees the game through contact lenses designed for him by Salvador flaming Dali.

Callum McGregor of Celtic celebrates after scoring the opening goal during the Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee United at Celtic Park on February 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Only Lawrence Of Arabia has handled Arabs better than we did today. When you look for a competent, controlled victory that seems the very definition of run-of-the-mill, this was it. But it was more than just that – it was three championship points against a side that has excelled mostly to date, posing us stubborn resistance with a bit of a bite to be wary of. So the Bhoys dispelled notions of fatigue and focus being elsewhere to deliver a proper champions performance and brush aside the third-place club. A bonus was three thrilling goals, each a contender for memorable mad moment of the month.

So it’s sixteen clear and sweet. And means we get to savour the ironical Valentine’s weekend clash in Edamberg with vague amusement as the Incestuous Derby Of Aesthetic Dread is played out Sunday lunch-time just as holy places close their doors; no coincidence there…

Jota of Celtic celebrates after scoring his team’s second goal during the Premiership match between Celtic and Dundee United at Celtic Park on February 15, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

It’s nature’s revenge as the perverted passions of the mutant spawn of grotesqueries raised from the genetic clay and abandoned by the elder Gods, play Russian roulette against each other. Who do we want to lose? Both of course.

Can you sense the anguish in the air? It’s the existential stench of the establishment and the inbred institutional seethe of this blighted wee land as the Celtic upstarts close in on a football title that means so much more than the statistical data point it will be recorded as; it’s their eternal societal torment. And that smell… It smells like…

VICTORY.

Go away now.

Sandman

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