Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Aston Martin | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ ASTON MARTIN…

Ollie Watkins scores Villa’s hird goal past Kasper Schmeichel during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 8/10 – A keeper on a mission – blinding saves to defy them as Villa sought the killer. Even rolled one out to their striker with a, “‘Mon then ya pick, free go…” in his best Danwegian; And made a marvellous save. Did his heroic best despite some of the idiocy going on in front of him.

Aston Villa’s Leon Bailey with Celtic s Greg Taylor during the UEFA Champions League match at Villa Park, Birmingham, England, 29th January 2025. Photo Cody Froggatt / Sportimage

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5.5/10 – Was given a torrid 90 down his side, mostly spent on his heels which made it difficult to get him into the middle for an overload. And when he did, tired legs hampered his passing; not as snappy as usual when it needed to be. His one shining moment was the solitary time he did find himself bursting forward well and setting up the goal.

Jacob Ramsey runs with the ball from Alistair Johnston during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – Caught ball-chasing for their first, drawn out as his runner was played-in behind to set it up. But recovery is key at the highest level to avoid a rinsing. And nobody recovers like The Moose: off the line, interceptions, battering a few, forcing the game, trying to make the Kuhn link. Solid and purposeful for the remainder of his night after the aberration.

Aston Villa v Celtic Champions League 29/01/2025. GOAL scores 2-1 Celtic forward Adam Idah 9 scores and celebrates with Celtic defender Liam Scales 5 during the Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on 29 January 2025. Photo Manjit Narotra

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – The Blessed Liam struggled for his usual poise. The start shook him, and his distribution suffered. So did his neck, having to constantly crane it while their striker ran off his back. That blindsiding happened too often and we were punished; really needed him not conceding ground because his CB partner was having to go man-to-man. There is a solution/aid to that tactical conundrum, but…See the manager’s bit…

Ollie Watkins is challenged by Auston Trusty of Celtic which leads to a penalty during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images)

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 8.5/10 MOTM – Alarming! After five minutes and the nightmare start, with a savaging looming like Nosferatu at sunset, I downed the kick-off Guinness and stared hard at the defence…Immediately ordered another, as focus revealed Crusty pairing up mano-a-mano against Arsenal’s new striker (wave bye-bye, Villains…). You can sink another pint pretty quick when it strikes like that. Then the Yank Beside The Tank (usually…) really got the litmus test of his career for the rest of the game.. And we got the revelation of the season – this bhoy can rock it with the finest. Best I’ve seen in years from a Celtic defender needing to be at his upper limit of every required attribute for an exhausting length of time involving a merciless physical tussle against a mobile dynamic unit. Even put in the tackle of the game – for which he was ludicrously penalised by the umpiring weasel and the myopic rodents on VAR. Despite conceding four, his was the solo defensive performance of 2024/25 to date.

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CALMAC – 6.5/10 – The Captain went to war after 20 minutes and we got our foot in the door. Then we smashed it against their heads a couple of times and it looked for a period that he might take over the middle like they were some SPL jobbers; Like the Zombies for example…But different levels are inhabited by different breeds of jungle cat – after the break Calmac got overrun and hunted down. Failed to establish decent possession and was reduced to hustling for scraps. This can be alleviated somewhat…See the manager’s bit…

Arne Engels of Celtic runs with the ball from Youri Tielemans of Aston Villa during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – All the promise, all the flashes of quality – fantastic linking backheel-flick to instigate the equaliser; a piece of lightning wit that big Kev Bridges in the stand would whistle in admiration at. But that vibrating possibility of harmonic inventiveness got flattened into a dull base grind as he found himself chasing and covering too much towards the left where Greggs and Ying were twitching on the Villa hook. Energy sapped, he too got a hook after being rolled for the third by ‘John McGinn’s gigantic arse’.* There is possibly a way to free his mind and legs some more, particularly in CL games and particularly with what we’re due to face… See the manager’s bit…

*(© Gerry Creaney-Arsepads Inc.)

Reo Hatate is tackled by John McGinn during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images)

HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – Damn, it’s that Reo… No wait! It’s THAT Reo. With another ZZ twist and turn in the middle, the real Reo Hatate announced himself into the game. Such maverick guile – instrumental in both goals, missed a great chance himself, arrowed one narrowly past second-half which would have rocked them at 3-3. For all his Michelin Star service, he’s still willing to do the dishes: shuttling until fatigued across their backline, providing the – “Traitor, San!” – Kyogo hustle our enigmatic big Centre-forward lacked a little…Unfortunately all those hard yards meant Reo, too, was creatively burnt out, further sabotaging our offensive possibilities. This can be extended, however, maybe…See the manager’s bit…

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Yang Hyun-Jun battles for possession with John McGinn during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

YING – 2/10 – Man down! Man down! Ironically his best – and only – moment of the night was bringing a man down and somehow escaping a card for the chop. Daizen was raging…This was a tough indictment on the young Korean’s level, and Celtic future. He was a bhoy lost in a man’s game; out-paced and outmuscled. And now possibly, out. Completely.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 7.5/10 – “Ya big lazy donk… Dancer!” Idah-San, take a bow. Just when we needed him, the man least expected fills the vacated tiny Japanese boots with his own thunderous diamond hooves. Two great finishes, one semi-hitch-kick – assisted by undercover Celt John McGinn (of gigantic arse infamy*) – and the second, my favourite, with the awareness to lift it over the clutching paws of magnificent Argie World Cup Hero, Dibu. This was a match Idah made his mark in. A proper big game, just as we’d hoped since last summer…

Adam Idah scores Celtic’s second goal past Emiliano Martinez of Aston Villa during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images)

A gripe I have is his overall work-rate – not fit enough to maintain the press required, thus involving midfielders too much (Reo), thus a detriment to our chances of creating something when we win it back due to those exhaustive supporting shifts. It all comes down to one thing now that he’s recovered the goalscoring touch – get in the gym, big fella.

*(© Gerry Creaney Arsepads Inc.)

Nicolas Kühn shoots on goal during the UEFA Champions League Aston Villa vs Celtic match atnVilla Park, 29th January 2025 Photo by Gareth Evans/News Images

TAKINTE – 7/10 – Tonight starts and ends with The Kuhn. It was he who took up the torch at two down and started to run at them, forced them back and instilled second thoughts as they fancied overrunning us. Again, later in the game, like last week, we failed to utilise his prowess enough – looking dangerous and hungry for it at his every involvement, service his way was insufficient. We simply didn’t prioritise him enough over the hapless Ying, leaving regrets over what might have been. Lesson: Use your talisman as much as possible; the CL margins are so fine.

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SUBS –

SAINT BERNARDO – 5.5/10 – Twice Paulo had manoeuvred well and created the opportunity to play an early defining pass into their box and twice he hesitated, and twice we rued the chance to end in glory.

Luis Palma battles for possession with Lamare Bogarde during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa FC and Celtic FC at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

BRIAN DE – N/A – May have ended his Celtic career with plaudits had Idah looked up and seen his back-post run when careering into the box. As it stands, he’s off to Mount Olympus or something (whoever she/he is…) so cheers for those handful of thrilling moments, Luis, and shame they weren’t built upon.

GREAT DANE – 0/10 – Ah, kid, gotta feel sorry; the nightmare came true. Everything you don’t do at the highest level in one dithering abstraction; eye off the man, foot off the ball, mind off the urgency of the moment. Will need CCV to shake him out of it.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Look – it’s Luke! Where have you been all night? On with some slick prowess to demonstrate, that made me wonder what an earlier involvement may have produced.

Arne Engels, Daniel Cummings,and Brendan Rodgers applaud the fans after the team’s defeat during the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

DANNY BHOY – N/A – What a climax it would have been if Paulo had seen his run earlier and dispatched the pass properly across behind their line. As it transpired, he just edged us and it was blue baws all round…

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Brendan Rodgers looks on prior to the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – Hmm, once more the dice got rolled. This time, before kick-off as the damn French and the damned walking Shereen Nanjianies of UEFA officialdom had deprived us of twin Kamikaze options. So The Brodge went with his only options. Sort of…

About that manager’s bit… Anyone for a Defensive/Holding midfielder? A physical beast with stamina and a smattering of ability who’ll stand in front of our backline in such matches like Leonidas at the Hot Gates and square go any metrosexual EPL weasels who fancy breaching it. And who will take a heck of a workload off the midfield three ahead, allowing for more creative endeavour. This would of course involve sacrificing a winger, and going roughly 4-4-2, or 4-1-3-2. And in my completely outlandish, whack-job and insane – but definitive – opinion, if we don’t try such in the next round, Dortmund will look like a hard-fought draw.

However… The Brodge is on record as saying that’s blasphemy and tonight he did manage to get a pretty good turn out of available personnel, barring a couple. Yet the – costly – hurdle of competitive midfield parity remained a leap too high. So my dream of a midfield warrior poet making those Spanish/German sophisticates cough up their caviar and graft for 180 minutes or more to see us off may remain just that…Or the greatest tactical masterplan you’ve ever read.

MIBBERY – 7/10 – What petting zoos do UEFA throw nets over to find the spineless cross-dressing marsupials who get to officiate and administrate, reducing football to a contactless safe space for simping little crypto-fascists with personality disorders that would make Michael Jackson look a reliable babysitter. From non-penalties to bewildering suspensions, I’d throw them all in a time machine and take them back to a stormy weekend morning in the 90s to play in a crucial Sunday League cup-tie. Wouldn’t be able to see their penalty spots, monitors or rule books after that, due to the blinding PTSD.

OVERALL – 7/10 – “Hello Dortmund, my old friend…” Only football can make your mouth dry after eight pints and a bowl of nachos (not ‘Novo’ – he’s a wee Zombie.). And after a paltry five minutes tonight, I was sucking in air like I’d been wandering around the Dune deserts all day, throat like Lizzie’s snat… Let’s say rather choked with dread and hoping for a Tsunami. And ‘Beermingham’ needs a wash, alright…Getting sliced like fresh lemons at a razor fight by a team of preening egotistical EPL posers with Shaggy fae Hearts as their set-piece coach? Heaven’s sake, Celtic..

Then amazingly, given our absentee list, we raised their two goals in three minutes with a double of our own and magical CL unicorns appeared to refuel the glasses and our bottomless wells of optimism. Was it a coincidence we got a lift right after covert-catholic-with-gigantic-arse*, John McGinn forced Unibond Emery-board to put him on early as his favourites were in trouble? Suddenly, a right embarrassing night for the EPL fandancers and fanboys was on the cards. And almost equally as suddenly – after HT – we look bare-boned and stretched beyond competitive limits.

So, over to you, BR and pistol Pete. We’re short on depth for this level, evidently. And the question remains whether you want to take our participation in it seriously enough to throw another eight figures at the personnel requirements. Because – and take this as definitive – after we pap out the next mob up on the  firing range, slapping around wee Killyernan Bee-Boppy or Phackin’ ‘Arry, it will begin to get pretty demanding…

Anyway, let’s today laud these Bhoys who got the job done overall terrifically, and gave us a fantastical February to look forward too.

*(© Gerry Creaney Arsepads Inc.)

Go Away Now

Sandman

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