Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The Manson Family Ranch | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ THE MANSON FAMILY RANCH…

Kasper Schmeichel theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – Kasper’s the bhoy, or mhan, for these occasions. Unfazed by the conglomerated subhuman trampitude gathered behind both goals and their incoherent abuse that you’d need a linguistics expert to translate; “Huy, Shmeekil – yur uh hingmy phukinhingmy, hur-hur-hur…” But the Legoland goalie kept his head in the game and maybe had our hearts in mouths a few times, yet remains a welcome icon between the sticks for days like these.

Anthony Ralston at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Everything you require from a tiger in the hyena’s den – ferocious, combative, reliable and committed. His rugged style irks the purists but, in Tony’s vernacular, tuck’em; a fine shift from The Brickie.

Kieran Tierney theRangers v Celtic, 31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

KATIE – 6/10 – Up for it, we’ll give him that. But once again expected more in a link-up sense with a new speedy bhoy ahead seeking backup. Although, KT did nearly score the goal of his career with an overhead that’d have burst the net any side of Buttman.

Liam Scales of Celtic wins a defensive header in the box during the Scottish Premiership match, theRangers vs Celtic, Ibrox, 31/08/2025. Photo Colin Poultney PSI

OF JUSTICE – 8/10 MOTM – Absolutely outstanding. Virgins and haters, look away now. This wasn’t a Barndarigg Beckenbauer performance, for there was little stepping out into a congested middle, nor a show of Wicklow Wonder guile…Nope, what we saw today was PEAK Ginger Baresi; properly astute defensive nous in a pastiche of the Italian maestro – FIVE magnificent goal-saving interventions within the area of his own six-yard box to thwart the Bedlamites. Three with that flaming bonce and two with his left wand. Say it and mean it – thank the heavens for Liam.

Cameron Carter-Vickers theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Is he on the move? Well, he was in the game – roving like a loose bull, right into the heart of darkness twice; ‘Gaun yersel big man!’ was the cry and if only he had we might have carved out something worthwhile. Remained mostly stoic and commanding as ever under pressure.

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Callum McGregor at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

Callum McGregor theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

CALMAC – 4/10 – Where our problems began and ended – with the skipper dithering around outside our box in injury time, beckoning for help while some reprobate Zombie pickpocketed him and nearly set up a calamitous finale; our match basically summed up in a grim few seconds. Isolated once more and clamped all game by some oddity cosplaying as a viking shield-maiden – ‘Transgaard’ or something… – Calmac re-lived his epic Kairat loneliness with scarcely a Hooped jersey around to help him out. And while this tactical abandonment is not of his making, I’m expecting one of his experience and influence to do more about it than toil fruitlessly and embattled throughout games he knows we can win out of sight. The most effective revolutions are led from within…

Arne Engels – theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE TERMINATOR – 5/10 – Great, Arne’s in to partner-up with Calmac. Now we’ll see something…No we won’t because he’s twenty yards away, wide, rather than in there like conjoined twins giving short-ball options around the press. But I’ll give the kid this – he had that bug-eyed sewer rat  Dildomandy on toast, giving as good as he got before being be-musingly hooked way too early.

Benjamin Nygren theRangers v Celtic, 31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

NEGAN – 3.5/10 – Nah, much like Wednesday he was impotent when we needed a bit of craft or ingenuity. Spent the entire match looking for link-up play but failing to manage any; got to be more impactful and not so lightweight in the big games. Highlight of his day was the 93rd minute – how the hell did he make it that far still on the park?

Reo Hatate at Ibrox – theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

HAKUNA HATATE – 3/10 – Jeez, Reo – another failed by tactical tweaks; not able to drift side to side seeking killer space as he appeared zoned left-ish of Calmac. More on that later. But when he was able to get on the ball or find the flow of the game he barely made a correct choice or useful contribution.

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Daizen Maeda theRangers v Celtic, 31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Well, Daizen was revved like the Daizen we want in these encounters; thrilling moments few and far between but there was always a tingling in the air when he was in or around the ball or closing down Zombie after Zombie. We couldn’t get him loose into space because they sat so deep by way of prevention, so his afternoon was blunt; much like the elbow that bust his lip… Pity that Zombie. Daizen will not forget. Nor will he sleep. Daizen will wait.

Michel-Ange Balikwisha. theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

BALIKMORY – 5.5/10 – There’s nothing like throwing a sleek new winger into this fixture. Then not giving him the ball… I’ll say as much as that he did look a bit of a threat and appears to move with fluid intent. Felt like we wasted the opportunity to properly unleash an unknown quantity on them, however.

SUBS –

Shin Yamada – theRangers v Celtic, 31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

FEIN – 6/10 – Alright, play this bhoy! With his appearance down the middle we got a new type of energy and focus; and hustle and enthusiasm. His presence enlivened our attack somewhat and but for one unfortunate run of the ball as it slipped under his studs from a Jamesy through-ball, he might’ve been a new matchwinning Japanese hero.

James Forrest – theRangers v Celtic, 31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

JAMESY – 6/10 – Finally, on comes a winger who shows how to take them on. To be fair, Jamesy takes everybody on (right, ladies?) But with his emergence we got a few uplifting surges down the right and hope remained eternal.

Luke McCowan – theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Luke-out, it’s Luke, with not enough time to get a Luke-in.

Anthony Ralston and Marcelo Saracchi – theRangers v Celtic, 31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

SCRATCHY – N/A – Yup, throw a mad, emotional Argentinian into a fiesty Glasgow Derby with minutes to go. That could have gone either way…

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Brendan Rodgers arrives at Ibrox. theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 5/10 – Here we are again. Aberdeen. St.Mirren for a while on Flag Day. Kairat twice. And today so close to being schooled by Martin Russell And His Alternative Vegan Therapy Troupe. Each time regards above, they’ve targeted Calmac, our difference-engine, and smothered him. Nullifying our functionality as a midfield unit and limiting our creative and attacking options. Like today. Even though BR heeded the call to get Engels in there, he wasn’t deployed properly. To counter that stifling tactic Calmac needs someone like Arne in TANDEM with him, with Reo free to play ahead, finding space between the lines as we play around their midfield press with short bursts; a 2-1 triangle if you will.

Brendon Rodgers, Manager of Celtic, reacts during the match between theRangers and Celtic at Ibrox Stadium on August 31, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Then we get CONTROL in the middle and the Green Machine gets to work. But it didn’t happen. Again. And so interweb maniacs like me point it out. Again. And Nygren somehow manages to see out the full game… Again…And the Brendanistas will vilify me. Again. Because he’s an ‘elite’ manager, a tactical mastermind and I’m just…The deranged alter-ego of some frustrated Celtic fan. No tactical genius; That’s right. But still someone with a voice capable of postulating this uncomfortable hypothesis over TWO years into The Brodge’s tenure: An Ange Postecoglou Celtic side would have destroyed that Zombie outfit today. And we’d have loved the way they went about it.

Aaaand… Duck.

Arne Engels with Don Robertson. theRangers v Celtic,31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

MIBBERY – 7/10 – Very close. But for Soapy Souttar’s beer belly they’d have won that game on the sleekit, ridiculous penalising of non-fouls an inordinate amount of times when Celtic players were simply trying to play the game within the rules. Dirty Don the mason’s sycophant was at his most conniving; outrageous interpretation of innocuous situations to conjour Zombie free-kicks in dangerous delivery areas. Despicable stick.

theRangers v Celtic, 31 August 2025. Photo Vagelis Georgariou (The Celtic Star)

OVERALL – 5/10 – Well, we didn’t lose…Apologies if these ratings find you later than anticipated but I’m busy with a one-man show at the Citizen’s Theatre. It’s a take on Samuel Beckett’s classic existential play ‘Waiting For Godot’, where I sit numbed and silent on stage, sipping a pint of Guiness for two hours, watching a replay of that dreadful match and musing on the nature of existence before falling into a coma.

Media hacks like Tom English will call it ‘turgid’ no doubt – a popular word for many of them who aren’t very good with words…Turgid means swollen, distended, firm – think of Jamesy on a Prestwick night out – whereas that 90 minutes could best be described as torpid or, preferably, stagnant: our performance invoking images of a long-forgotten pond in an octagenarian’s neglected, overgrown garden – water still, stank and lifeless.

Exactly the way this Celtic side appeared for long stretches of the match. We’ve regressed to a cautious collective of anxious players. Keep-ball is the mantra; possession at all costs. Back, to side, to side, and back. No zip. No defined tempo. No change-up in gears to take advantage when the propitious openings materialise. Three big games, three nil-nils. Barely a shot on target. Fortune favours the brave. Neither this board or manager – or now even the players; so cowed by tactics, they seem – could be considered brave enough at the moment.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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Celtic in the Eighties by David Potter. Foreword by Danny McGrain. Published on Celtic Star Books on 5 September 2025. Click on image to pre-order.

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