🦍 No need for 100 men: this top XI would beat the gorilla | OneFootball

This article was translated into English by Artificial Intelligence. You can read the original version in 🇩🇪 here.

For several weeks now, there's been a discussion that's sparked a real hype. From Reddit, through YouTube comments to X, users are eagerly debating whether 100 people would win in a life-or-death battle against a fully grown gorilla.

Of course, the question also arises as to which people you would send into battle in this hypothetical scenario. We're sure of one thing: it wouldn't take 100 men, just this top eleven.

Goalkeeper

Jens Lehmann: Although it's clear that Jens Lehmann isn't the biggest physical asset against the gorilla, there are some scenarios where the former national player could become a secret weapon. For example, if it's a gorilla with glasses, it would have a tough time against Lehmann.

The perhaps more promising tactic: Lure the gorilla under a carport, which Jens Lehmann then saws apart.

Defense

Pepe: That Pepe is brutal enough for a fight with a gorilla can be confirmed by Thorgan Hazard, for example. Or pretty much any player who has ever had to play against Pepe.

📸 JOSE MANUEL VIDAL

Vinnie Jones: As soon as the confused primate tries to recover from the first Pepe attack, it's Vinnie Jones' time to shine. After a sliding tackle like this one, even a silverback won't get up quickly:

Jaap Stam: Jaap Stam is not only crazy enough to take on a gorilla, but he also has the necessary jumping power. Watch out for headbutts, dear gorilla.

Kevin Großkreutz: The cult Dortmund player could become the ace up the sleeve in advance. First, get the gorilla drunk with plenty of rum and cola until it's unconscious, then pelt it with kebabs until the giant surrenders.

Midfield

Dominik Kohr: The endless discussions after the first exchange of blows alone would lead to exhaustion on the gorilla's side. Moreover, even the most brutal gorilla's knees would shake at the sight of Kohr's card collection.

📸 Alex Grimm - 2025 Getty Images

Roy Keane: A little tip for the gorilla: accusing Roy Keane of just faking it could end very badly.

Thorsten Legat: The only one who can probably puff out his chest even more than the gorilla itself. We believe: The samurai sword, which Legat is known to possess, won't even be necessary, as the gorilla will turn back after the first "KASALLA."

Attack

Zlatan Ibrahimović: Since this isn't about winning the Champions League, the Swede has a good chance of victory. And against the ego of a Zlatan, a gorilla stands no chance anyway.

Luis Suárez: If all else fails, Luis Suárez sneaks up on the ape from behind, sets aside the code of fair play, and: bites, of course. Anyone who dares to approach Chiellini with their teeth first could also take on a gorilla.

Jogi Löw: And if even a Suarez shoulder bite doesn't work, the final boss comes in.

If Jogi Löw forces him to smell his fingers, even the most resilient gorilla will go down on its knees.

📸 Gary M. Prior