📝 In a parallel universe ... Mertens is king, Zlatan gets mad 🇮🇹 | OneFootball

It has been three weeks without any Serie A action and we’re really getting withdrawals.

So we have allowed our minds to ponder on what might have been this weekend in a world in which the fixtures went ahead …

Move over Maradona!

The King of Naples is dead. Long live the King.

You have to feel for Dries Mertens. His contract is due to expire at the end of the season (whenever that comes) and he needed to score just one more goal to become Napoli’s all time top scorer.

He is currently level on 121 with Marek Hamšík and that just seems cruel at this time of great uncertainty. Will he ever get another chance to become the undisputed greatest marksman in club history?

The Belgian will in our universe! He scored twice in a thrilling 2-2 draw at Atalanta to take his tally to 123. As easy as ABC.

Cristiano starts new streak

After his bid to set a lone Serie A record for scoring in 12 successive games fell short, Cristiano Ronaldo set about making a new assault on that particular honour.

His goal against Genoa means he is now one game down and 11 to go, which is how the Rossoblu must be feeling about their Serie A status.

With nine games to go, who’d have thought that changing coach three times would be detrimental to consistency? In this universe, Davide Ballardini was brought back for the run-in – something that isn’t outside the real life reals of possibility if we are honest!

Zlatan loses his cool

Is it just us or has Zlatan Ibrahimović been noticeably well behaved on his return to Italian football this time?

It may have something to do with playing in a Milan side with very little fight in it but there has been no signs of the man who kicked his team-mate Rodney Strasser in the head just for fun or brawled with Oguchi Onyewu in training at Milanello.

We think after a loss on this particular weekend at SPAL, the ultra-competitive Swede finally snapped.

We’ll leave it to your imagination how he vexed his fury against Hakan Çalhanoglu for opting to shoot from distance (and missing of course) instead of playing Ibra in for what would have been a certain last minute equaliser.

Ciro still the hero

Lazio were well in the title race before coronavirus put an end to football in Italy and hit the population so devastatingly.

We see no reason why that would change. And what’s the one thing you can always rely on when it comes to the Aquile in recent years?

Real universe, parallel universe, alternate universe, multiverse – it doesn’t matter which one you are: Ciro Immobile will ALWAYS score goals.

He did so again on Lazio’s trip to his old club Torino and ensured his side stay in control of their own destiny at the top of the table.

Easy Inter win

We’re giving Inter a 5-0 win over Brescia when their Lombardy rivals made the trip to San Siro.

Why such a comfortable win? Well, Inter are an excellent side with some serious firepower in their ranks. Brescia are very poor defensively too.

But mostly it is because Antonio Conte is a very scary man. Parallel universe or not, we don’t want to anger him.

And elsewhere …

The coronavirus seems to be sadly hitting the Sampdoria squad harder than most – and if it helps raise the spirits we’re happy to give them a 4-0 win at Lecce.

Federico Santander has become something of a joke figure at Bologna and one goal in 20 appearances this season will do that to you but not even in this universe can we envisage him scoring. Sorry big chap. The Veltri lost 1-0 against Cagliari.

This seems like as good a time as any to give Carlés Perez his first goal for Roma – coming in a 3-2 thriller against Udinese. The winner came via a Chris Smalling 30-yard piledriver. Hey, this is our universe okay?

Fiorentina-Sassuolo ended in a 1-1 draw with the goals for each side coming from players who were built up far too soon and have stagnated somewhat, Domenico Berardi (who is getting back to his best admittedly) cancelling out a Patrick Cutrone strike.

Finally, by virtue of still going strong at the age of 35, we’re giving Giampaolo Pazzini a hat-trick against Parma in a 3-1 win. That would be his first top flight triplet since 2012 for Milan.