Champions (League) of Snark – Match Week 7, Day 2 | OneFootball

Only two teams, Liverpool and Barcelona, are locked into the coveted Top 8 with their extra rest days. Nine teams have been eliminated. Sixteen teams have at least secured a playoff spot. Nine more lurk in the shadows between playoff and relegation. Full tables can be found here, but first let’s get to the game snark.

Shakhtar Donetsk 2 – 0 Brest

Two first half goals for hosts Shakhtar were all they needed to keep their slim hopes for a playoff spot alive. They must win at Dortmund next week and hope other dice rolls come up favorable.

Brest’s fairy tale run ending with a top-8 spot was always improbable, but you have to look at today’s loss as an opportunity wasted. Still, their 13 points after today’s loss have secured them a well-earned playoff spot.

RB Leipzig 2 – 1 Sporting CP

The post-Amorim departure malaise continues to affect Sporting, who dropped points today to put big pressure on next week’s game vs. Bologna. Sporting wasted too many chances, with only 11% of shots on target (one of them Viktor Gyökeres’ 75th minute strike). With nothing to play for, a hitherto scrappy but hapless RB Leipzig dug deep to humiliate the visitors with goals from Benjamin Šeško (around whom transfer rumors swirl) and Yussef Poulsen off the slowest… deflected… dribbler… ever.

Arsenal 3 – 0 Dinamo Zagreb

It finally looked like Arsenal came to play. It took only two minutes for Declan Rice to strike the net, but the Gunners never looked threatened as Zagreb could muster only five total shots, none of them on target. Arsenal are all-but-guarateed a Top 8 spot, with the mathematical permutations knocking them down from third so complex they require a supercomputer to figure out. Interestingly, every Gunner goal came off a cross (hint: there’s a pattern here).

Sparta Prague 0 – 1 Internazionale

The League’s most dangerous and underrated team is Internazionale. They’re not flashy, but they do win. A lot. In fact, over all competitions this season they have only three losses. Today was another example of their quietly relentless campaign towards destiny as Lautaro Martínez volleyed the only goal off the crossbar at an impossible angle. Sparta Prague were officially eliminated with the defeat.

AC Milan 1 – 0 Girona

Milan have now scored first in 6 of 7 fixtures so far. This time it was from Rafael Leão’s left foot. The Brazilian was a menace throughout the game. Girona deserve applause for their tenacity, and were a single toe away from a stunning equalizer by Bryan Gil. Regardless, without a win today Girona was eliminated.

Celtic 1 – 0 Young Boys

This match earned the Most Pathetic Win To Secure Advancement award for Celtic. Coming to Glasgow, Young Boys were the whipping boys of the League, losing six straight with a -19 goal differential. By all rights Celtic should have steamrolled them. Instead, fans endured 86 minutes of nail-biting agony and watched all seven of their on-frame shots saved by YB keeper Marvin Keller before defender Loris Benito mistakenly placed the ball into his own net. Celtic faithful won’t care HOW it happened. Young Boys supporters stopped caring in 2024.

Feyenoord Rotterdam 3 – 0 Bayern Munich

In one of the day’s most shocking upsets, perennial third leg of the Eredivisie Feyenoord bent Bayern Munich over their knee and spanked them pinker than their away kits. Is that harsh? Nah. It’s fair. Both teams are in the playoffs, but only one seemed to care enough to play today.

Paris Saint-Germain 4 – 2 Manchester City

The scene: Nil-nil at halftime in a torrential Parisian downpour, and pundits were filled with second half scenarios. The sight of Ousmane Dembélé warming up in the tunnel had PSG fans salivating. Many were praising City’s defensive resilience, expecting it. Very few dismissed it as boring.Fade to: referee Szymon Marciniak raising his whistle to his lips to start the second half. All hell breaks loose. At ‘53 City were up two. (Grealish & Haaland)At ‘60 PSG had drawn level. (Dembélé & Barcola)

Okay then. Surely that 15 minute spell represented the peak of chaotic momentum shifts and we would settle into a tense, but staid, finish where each side … wait a second … did City seriously leave João Neves unmarked at the back post AGAIN?! By the time Gonçalo Ramos put in goal #4 in stoppage the Parc des Princes had already dialed the celebration meter up to 11.

Real Madrid 5 – 1 RB Salzburg

More than the scoreline, it was WHO scored those goals that will matter to Real Madrid’s future. Vinícius Júnior got a brace. Rodrygo got a brace off assists from Jude Bellingham. Kylian  Mbappé earned a tap-in after stripping the ball from the keeper’s feet. Vinícius Júnior also nabbed a brace. These are the names Madrid fans want to see in the stats sheets post-game. Honorable mention to Mads Bidstrup who laced an absolute screaming volley for Salzburg.

Let’s See Those Tables!

Check ’em out here.