A few more of these please before we hit the beaches in our new Adidas gear | OneFootball

God, but Palace was awful, one of the worst games in recent memory despite a decent recovery period leading up to it, delivering an all round s..tshow that can be filed under “move on and never mention again”.

Bounce back was required some three days later and the opportunity was certainly presenting itself to do just that.

I’m sure everyone will be aware that Sheffield United have been utterly non-competitive in the Premier League this season. They have actually improved since our incredible 8-0 demolition job at Bramall Lane in September, but you’d hope so, as that was their record defeat.

Seriously, they seem to have galvanised slightly since the return of Chris Wilder, but still look hopelessly out of their depth and are en route to setting a few records for horrific underachievement in the Premier League era. You have to say that Sheff Utd at home this season is the closest you’ll get to a cert in a long time.

I said before the match that this could go one of two ways; either a similar shellacking as the trip to South Yorkshire, or a very frustrating afternoon. Weirdly, in the end we kind of got both.

For the most part, the first half was as abject and disjointed as the Selhurst debacle, with the tone set by the visitors taking a shock lead after five minutes. Sheffield played a short corner which saw Hamer send a smart cross to the back post. The shortie had seen our defence rush out madly and leave a panic behind them, which resulted in the unmarked Ahmedhodzic bundling a header pretty much through Dubravka. The mutters of disappointment throughout the ground were more the sounds of a few thousand coupons going bust than any real fear this would lead to the visitors claiming a result, but this was not to be an isolated incident in the opening half.

Something was massively up with the defence. Schar looked completely out of sorts, but signalled to the bench that he wanted to continue, with Krafth ready to enter the field. Livramento seemed a bit off it, prompting fears his recent injury has been mishandled Botman-style and the bottom-placed visitors suddenly looked incredibly threatening on the counter attack. Archer turned Schar inside out and looked set to finish but for a stunning late intervention from Dan Burn, sliding in to deflect behind.

This sense of heightened panic was present when Ben Brereton-Diaz was allowed to waltz into the box and get a shot off, but it was easy enough for Dubravka to hold and from the subsequent release, Livramento linked up on the right with Murphy, who pinged a fantastic pass into the path of Isak. Moving so quickly up the pitch had disrupted Sheffield’s ten man defence and Isak scampered clear before finishing wickedly past the keeper into the bottom corner.

The Newcastle players grabbed the ball and rushed back for the kick off in a manner that suggested they knew this hadn’t been good enough and things were now getting put right.

This was not how it immediately worked out as, with one exception, Newcastle again started to practice defence with the style, grace and professionalism of Zippy and Bungle fighting over who gets the last marshmallow. First, Brereton Diaz was allowed to power onto a through ball and round the onrushing Dubravka. The angle was tight, but the goal was open, Burn again needed to come scything in to avert disaster as he cut out Brereton’s goal bound shot.

The resultant corner was a horror show as we again seemed flummoxed by the short corner and all hell broke loose when the cross again found an unmarked man at the back post. The initial header was criminally allowed to bounce in the box before the relatively shocked Holgate latched on the head against the bar from all of three yards. The rebound fell to Brooks who went for sheer power and shot well wide, anyone just tuning in would have been forgiven for thinking the hopeless case side anchored to the bottom of the table were wearing black and white today.

I would say we had a sort of mini rally as at least Newcastle had the ball and no dramas in the final moments of the half, but it was only in the dying seconds there was a real chance, as Lewis Hall’s vicious drive brought a full length save out of Foderingham. You’d have been gutted pre-match if you were told it would be 1-1 at half time but in reality it felt like a bit of a let off.

The inevitable change occurred for the second half, with Krafth belatedly replacing Schar, who Eddie later reported was feeling a bit hamstringy. Hopefully he can shake this one off as he does pretty much every other weekly injury he’s endured, as we don’t need any more of this sort of thing thank you very much. In the short term though, Krafth’s straightforward, no-nonsense defence was ideal for the game at hand, and the back four looked way more comfortable as we experienced the classic game of two halves.

It was barely ten minutes in when the game turned, with Livramento getting clipped wide on the right and options being explored as Gordon and Hall seemed to be discussing inswinger versus outswinger from their respective favoured foot. Gordon it was and, wahey, they did that goal again! The one where everyone feigns for it to go to the front post and Bruno nips round to the back post, where it was always going anyway. This time he didn’t even need a clever turn or dummy, he just had loads of space to guide a header in and that surely would set us back on track. Bruno emulated the famous Asprilla celebration of raising the corner flag and fair play to the ref for not booking him for it. This was a great moment after Wor Flags magnificent Brazilian Tifo pre-match had served a timely reminder to Bruno of how much he’s loved here, with the uncertainties of the summer ahead.

Five minutes later and any doubt was obliterated as we got a Gordon pen, with our number ten barely inside the box when Holgate clumsily bundled into him. The VAR check confirmed the decision and Isak made it look simple as usual from the spot.

I said at this point that Howe would be getting Wilson ready as soon as the pen hit the net and sure enough the number nine emerged with Harvey Barnes for company. As it turned out though, it was Anderson and Murphy who made way, with the rarely seen 4-4-2 formation kicking in. A rare occasion of Eddie not whipping someone off when he’s on a hat-trick, and I wonder if it may have been deemed wise to allow Isak to pursue his first treble in England and get closer to Haaland in that top scorers chart. Keep him as happy as possible with admiring glances getting cast his way.

Isak would not get his hat-trick unfortunately as he started doing an impression of Norman Wisdom, falling over and miskicking as it just didn’t come off for him despite some nice efforts from his team mates to give the Swede his moment, not least Wilson laying off a possible shooting opportunity only for Foderingham to be equal to Isak’s sharp effort.

This had no bearing on the result though, as goals kept coming from elsewhere. Number four was an absolute pie of a goal, Gordon’s corner biffing round off various bodies in the box before bumbiddling scruffily over the line just inside the post. Anderson’s header had hit Bruno, before two Sheff Utd defenders tangled with each other and contrived to scuff it in with Osborn getting the final touch. The stadium announcer tried to give it to Bruno, who in fairness was the last Newcastle player to touch it, but no one was having that.

Finally, the subs combined as Barnes charged into the box and drew in about seven defenders before offloading to Wilson, who took a touch and slammed it in the top corner.

This could yet prove important, as getting Wilson back among the goals might be incredibly useful in this mini run towards Europe.

European matters were helped out a treat elsewhere, as West Ham, Chelsea and Man Utd all drew to give us a net gain on all rivals. They all have trickier weekends than us next time out, although the prospect of a trip to Burnley is a bit more ominous now than it seemed a few weeks ago. The Clarets looked as doomed as today’s visitors at one point, but have clawed their way back to within two points of safety. A display like the one against Palace will surely not be adequate against a side fighting for their life and events at Turf Moor could be a huge indicator as to how successful the pursuit of that sixth spot is.

As far as Sheffield United go though, there will be no fight to put up next week. Today’s defeat saw the confirmation of the Blades’ long inevitable relegation. I am inclined to agree with Chris Wilder’s comments earlier in the week that their future is not as bleak as you might presume from our two games against them. They have not overspent in a way that will cripple their finances and the Championship may not have any obvious contenders if the three promotees all return. Having said that, it’s not unheard of for those who are relegated horribly to struggle to arrest their slide even in the surrounds of the lower division.

I would not be sorry to see them return, as northern clubs that sell out their end and offer a decent away trip are alright by me (and I enjoyed my trip there this year).

So, three weeks and it’s all over. Today was overall a good one, let’s have a few more of them before we hit the beaches of the world in our sparkling new Adidas gear.

Stats via BBC Sport:

Newcastle United 5 Sheffield United 1 – Saturday 27 April 3pm

Newcastle United:

Isak 26 61 pen, Bruno 54, OG 65, Wilson 72

Sheffield United:

Ahmedhodzic 5

(Half-time stats in brackets)

Possession was Sheff Utd 41% (42%) Newcastle 59% (58%)

Total shots were Sheff Utd 14 (10) Newcastle 20 (10)

Shots on target were Sheff Utd 5 (3) Newcastle 7 (2)

Corners were Sheff Utd 5 (4) Newcastle 4 (1)

Referee: Tony Harrington

Newcastle team v Crystal Palace:

Dubravka, Livramento, Schar (Krafth 46), Burn, Hall (A Murphy 82), Longstaff, Bruno, Anderson (Wilson 66), J Murphy (Barnes 66), Gordon (Ritchie 82), Isak

Unused subs:

Karius, Dummett, White, Parkinson

You can follow the author on Twitter @Mr_Dolf

(I thought I was going to have a heart attack – Chris Wilder on Newcastle United 5 Sheffield United 1 – Read HERE)

(Newcastle United 5 Sheffield United 1 – Instant Newcastle fan / writer reaction – Read HERE)

(Newcastle United 5 Sheffield United 1 – How do you explain this? Read HERE)

Newcastle United matches now confirmed for rest of the season:

Saturday 4 May 2024 – Burnley v Newcastle (3pm)

Saturday 11 May 2024 – Newcastle v Brighton (3pm)

Wednesday 15 May 2024 – Man U v Newcastle (8pm) Sky Sports

Sunday 19 May 2024 – Brentford v Newcastle (4pm)

(The final day of the season live TV matches will be selected closer to the day but all 10 PL games will be same time same day)

Wednesday 22 May 2024 – Tottenham v Newcastle (at MCG – Melbourne Cricket Ground)

Friday 24 May 2024 – A-League All Stars team v Newcastle (at Marvel Stadium, Melbourne)