Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Fagan’s Weasels

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The Celtic Star

·15. September 2024

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Fagan’s Weasels

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v FAGAN’S WEASELS

“What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!” – Arnie Engels in ‘Conan the Barbarian’ (1982)

Celtic v Hearts – Celtic goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel during the match at Celtic Park, on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/ PSI

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – The flying Dane gives us one for the cameras and, late in the game, one for the coronary; a fine stop on the line as the Wish Cousins tried to sneak a spoiler. Commitment to the cause evident as he celebrates a Scales block deep in injury time. Champions League ready, is Kasper.

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Celtic v Hearts – Greg Taylor during the match at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/PSI

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Consistency of a classic sausage roll. Nary a foot out of place, nor his own positional instinct. Denied an assist for Idah by lazy-arsed Palma. About time the new – and well deserved – contract was announced.

Celtic v Hearts – Alastair Johnston during the match at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie PSI

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – A Moose with three legs better than… Tony? Maybe a surprise and contentious inclusion given the upcoming glamour games. But if AJ was lame, he showed no effects of international clashes with a regular barnstorming, intense perfromance.

Celtic v Hearts – Liam Scales during the match at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie PSI

OF JUSTICE – 7.5/10 – Nice test of his resilience as they threw everything and anything they could into our box when the opportunity presented. Liam’s positioning and timing was on-point; rightly reversed decision for his ‘handball’ that had echoes of Bernabei v Dundee United. Right to the death he was in and amongst the difficult deep balls that required bravery and precision.

Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic arrives prior to the match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on September 14, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Another good tune-up for the Californian Redwood as Beelzebub’s Babes gave him a physical challenge via the portly frottage Shankland and the outright sexual assaults of their centre-back tag-team duo for every corner, throw or free-kick launch. The big mhan handled it as ever – with a snarl and rugged efficiency.

Celtic v Hearts – Cameron Carter-Vickers during the match at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/ PSI

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Fagan’s Weasels continues on the next page…

Callum McGregor at full time after the Celtic v Hearts match at Celtic Park on September 14, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – Tick-tock. Not Tik-tok – the skip is of more sophisticated entertainment; like watching a Scorcese film, he’ll impress you with detail and thrill you with improvised drama. Relentless control and industry to rev-up the stuttering Celtic Difference Engine to a level that would eke out a victory before hibernating for Wednesday. Had a grip on 80% of proceedings to help ease in the new star…

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE TERMINATOR – 8/10 MOTM – Quite a Celtic introduction for the kid in the last fortnight’s two opponents; expressed in the medium of horror movies as watching a double-bill of Nosferatu, then The Lost Boys. So we get up-close with the Belgian wunderkind for 75 minutes and, in his own word for the Skelping Sunday, so far: ‘Amazing’.

Arne Engels of Celtic celebrates scoring our opening goal during the match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on September 14, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

You expect to get a player for 11 million, and a player he looks. Physically at home despite the warboys’ (see Mad Max: Fury Road) attempts to dismember him. Awareness, touch, even finishing – stroked that in v a class goalkeeper with nonchalance. Big things in big games are required and big things he may well produce if this is his default setting; a level above the barbarians is this young Conan (see what I did there, Schwarzenegger fans…).

Celtic v Hearts -. Reo Hatate during the match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/ PSI

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – Reo flows like fine Saki – kind of takes you by surprise, gets a grip of you and dictates your movement. As The minis found about half an hour into the game; Reo found their weak spots and tortured them with surgical movement in and out the gaps, eventually tearing them open enough to provide match-winning space, before fading out of it. That pre and post half-time injection of proper Reo forced enough stress into their low block for the breakthrough. Expect more and higher quality as the glamour occasions present themselves.

Celtic v Hearts – Daizen Maeda during the match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/Hearts FC PSI

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – “Aye, Ah wis on the phone tae Tavpen fur advice an’ ‘nat, aboot the speedy Jap. Man, aw he did wis cry…” intoned Zombie wretch Nasalsmith.

Despite a busy travelling schedule, BR went with Sonic The Sushi from the start after a brief phone call on Wednesday delivered the only four words of English he speaks – ‘No Daizen, no party’. Ready to go from the Dubai runway, it’s always a relief to the handlers when they get to open the cage at ten to three on a Saturday and let him loose; The opening scene of Jurassic park pretty much captures that.

And lo, it came to pass, The Daizen Of The East destroyethed the craven Unnic acolytes of the land of ‘Eh?’ like an apocalyptic divine wind and cast their slender hopes asunder. Well, not quite – they did match him up with an actual defender who was gallus enough to go toe-to-toe and keep at it. Fair play, Daizen – looking a little tired – got a nice warmup for the CL. Now he must rest for the big match; which, to him, basically just means turning his home treadmill speed-setting down a notch – to ‘Roadrunner’…

Celtic v Hearts – Kyogo Furuhashi during the match at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie PSI

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6/10 – And to think Man Citeh almost snatched him. Pep been bursting into the boardoom there all the last two weeks with footage of the wee mhan Skelping on his phone, thrusting it in the faces of a table of bemused Sheiks, yelling, ‘Flamin’ telt yeez! Flamin’ telt yeez!”.

And…

Nope. Slightly off-key, blew his big one-on-one chance; seemed frustrated by his own timing and movement. Usually slaughters Darwinism’s Deviants but they got off lightly. Just one of those days. Out his system before the Champions League, we hope.

Celtic v Hearts – Nicolas Kuhn during the match between at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/Hearts FC PSI

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – Another electric afternoon for the rejuvenated German sprite. Great pace and intuition all first-half that deserved better from his team-mates; a real spark in the cogs that fires up the attacking phases as much as releasing Daizen on the opposite wing. Like Reo, he faded beyond the hour; job done if we can capitalise more on his creative fury.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Fagan’s Weasels continues on the next page…

Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers after the Celtic v Hearts match at Celtic Park on14 September 2024 Photo Robert Perry/Shutterstock

SUBS –

BRIAN DE – Irritating/10 – Basic laziness cost the disallowed third. Boy’s got the moves and the guile but that lapsing workrate and unwillingness to shift his backside may be his Celtic downfall.

SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – Rather unfortunate to be benched, Paulo makes a splendid weapon to throw on when required. Looks nip and tuck between him and Reo for a start rest of season after today’s developments.

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

JAMESY – 501/10 – Presented with a commemorative ‘500’ jersey before the game, which was his 501st – so we all know the number had nothing to do with the football… And if you can lip-read, you’ll note Jamesy winking at Brendan Rodgers during the jersey photo-call and quipping, ‘Aye, and in jist the international break.”

Whatever that meant…

(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 7/10 – The dream continues. And didn’t he fulfil it – perfectly finishing an attacking move which he’d initiated and built from outside his own box, chewing them up (yup, deliberate, toffee fans…) through the midfield and popping up on the edge of their box to whip one in with his cultured left peg, past one of Celtic’s finest former goalkeepers. The childhood fantasy is real now, and young Richard Jobson won’t be putting The Skids on it anytime soon; once you see it, you’ll know I’m right, Dunfermline 70s punk band fans..

DUNCAN IDAHO – N/A – Ever get the feeling it’s not your day/month? We won’t add ‘year’ after the heroics he’s performed, but he sure could do with a goal after the turbulent summer and big tag on his jersey.

Brendan Rodgers with Kasper Schmeichelafter the Celtic v Hearts match at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024 Photo Robert Perry/Shutterstock

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – Not that he HAD to, but took the decision to throw in The Terminator knowing he’d be up against no-nonsense borderline thuggery from a desperate Nasalsmith outfit. It worked out to a tee – the youngster looking the most invigorated of the lot to lead the way to a stuffy win. Nothing went completely to plan, what with a somewhat sluggish overall feel, especially after roasting the Tribute Act a fortnight ago but, bottom-line, a trouble and injury-free win was the requirement before facing the step-up in class to a testing burst of Champions League matches.

Last season in such morbid contests the system failed and faltered, games like this ended with us sucker-punched. Testimony then, to progress made in his ongoing reconstruction of the method, that we found the extra edge to get it done.

Referee Colin Steven during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on 14 September 2024. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/Hearts FC PSI

MIBBERY – 3/10 – Good Ghod, a VAR consultation ending in our favour. Certain pen last season, reversed thanks to new interpretations the MIBs stuck by. Probably shamed into correct interpretations by their midweek exposure as Zombie onfield coaches…Fittingly for the wee Gorgie rat who attempted reconstructive surgery on young Arnie first-half, his outstretched claws gave the brow-beaten MIBs no choice but to call penalty in our favour again. But he should have been off.

This pesky new technology and openeness upsetting those bygone days of lore and the accepted customs of keeping the Celts at the back of the bus…There will be emergency ludge meetings to see what can be done. Sadly for them, the threat of withdrawal of 20% off yer plumbing bill, nae post-walk handiwork on the 12th from big muckle-handed Willemina, and being relegated to last-carriage-on-the-train for the goat-worrying ceremonies only goes so far these days, and it won’t be far enough.

Arne Engels of Celtic celebrates with his manager Brendan Rodgers after he scores his team’s opening goal during the match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on September 14, 2024 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 7/10 – Tricky proposition – post international-break, off the Skelping high, along come the Craven Cronies to attempt what their big cousins failed at and upset the green applecart. There were moments times past – though recent enough – loomed back into glum view as we failed to put the game to bed; even with Jamesy in attendance…

However, the presence of a prospective new Hooped hero, baptised in the stringent unforgiving rapids of the Bundesliga, made the difference with an added dimension of unknown quality they could not cope with. So we got the precious points and the workout to put us back in the groove for the thrilling contests to come. Not without contention either – delicious Big and Wee Cousins tears will be canned over the next few days as the airwaves reverberate to the Nasalsmith whine and sulking reprobates call the game a bogey despite not knowing the new rule interpretations.

Absolute nectar then, to sweeten the way into Champions League combat.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers at full time during the match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on September 14, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

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